hatejakku | maskormenace : IC Contact

look

just

obviously we got our wires crossed

you're like my best friend, finn, and you're all i've got of home and i don't care about all the other shit

yeah it hurts but i'm not going to fuck off over it?

what would be the point

i can deal

i didn't say i shouldn't be around you

if you told me why it hurt then maybe i could fix it

i hate it when we don't talk too i didn't know you

i wish i was your best friend but im hardly

im sorry about your mom i didn't mean to

[ Finn took a deep breath and put the comm down for a minute...

He knew his pain was selfish. He didn't want to feel guilty every time he enjoyed spending time with Poe. He didn't want to know that he was hurting Poe every time they were near each other.

He just wanted things back to normal, too, whatever that might have been.

But another selfish part of him just really missed Poe.

So after... quite a while: ]

sorry

i just didn't want you to have to deal because of me

but its okay if we talk about it?

[ Finn had noticed the 'again.' He didn't want to know, maybe just a little bit bitter about this other Finn who fought with Poe before. ]

it's not because of you, though, it's not your fault

i'd rather deal with it than not

and no i'm sorry
i know i should have told you

so yeah

talking is probably a good idea
I'm just not great at it
obviously

[ Not your fault, Poe says. Finn just... breathes and lets that one go. ]

i dont think im great at it either

i dont know where to start

and i know you should have told me but i get it now. i forgive you. its okay

[ It's sort of okay but he'll make it okay if it means fixing something. ]

listen you can go home whenever you want. i never meant for that to happen all right?

maybe a better conversation for in person

[ There was a long pause. ]

if i go home are you going to be there?

~~If you want me to be~~

yes
i'll be there

[ Risky. So damn risky. But it's sent. ]

[ He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. ]

okay

i'll come home, then

i'll see you there

okay

[ Finn swallowed hard before getting up to find his boss. Turned out he wasn't going to be working overtime today after all. Poe didn't say when he'd be back, maybe even days later, but Finn had every intention of being there.

He hated being so scared of seeing Poe. ]

[ It wasn't days later. It was maybe an hour later that Poe was walking back onto the grounds of Base One.

Knowing that both Kaytoo and Skeets were gone made the place feel even emptier than it was before - almost foreboding in a way that had nothing to do with Finn. Not for the first time, he wondered it he had made a huge mistake in building this place. He'd thought it'd finally felt worth it, when Finn had come back and been so pleased, but--

Well.

Finn was obviously not pleased anymore.

Poe sighed and stepped toward the building, scanning for Finn.]

[ It didn't take Finn long at all to get home. He'd already done a panic shower and changed his clothes twice before forcing himself to sit outside, practically on his hands.

He sat on the floor in front of his unit, partly so as not to miss Poe returning (double and triple guessing if that was a good move to make) but mostly to watch the patch of trees sway in the wind, matching his breathing to the tilt of their leaves. It helped the anxiety. Didn't help the guilt and subsequent nausea.

As much as he was trying to not pay attention, Finn couldn't help but notice Poe approaching. He leaned forward, sitting up a little straighter... and had no idea what to say. ]

... Hey. [ Dammit. He couldn't ask if Poe was doing all right. They already talked about that. Dammit. ]

[ Poe glanced up to see Finn, legs dangling between rungs of the banister up above him, and he came to a stop below, neck craning up. ]

Hey. [ And then, before he could stop himself because his brain to mouth filter was not anywhere near as good as Finn's: ]

... You okay?

[ Finn bit his cheek to keep from reminding Poe about the cliff and which one of them fell off it. They didn't need to start with that. Be a little civil, Finn.

He shuffled his legs, adjusting. ] Yeah, I'm okay.

[ And just because they were like this- ] You okay?

[ Poe had to squint a little to block out the sunlight from over Finn's head, but he put his hands on his hips and then nodded. ]

Yeah. I'm okay.

[ There was another awkward pause, before Poe stepped forward and trudged up the stairs, before sitting down next to Finn and dangling his feet off the edge, wrapping his arms around the bars. ]

... We okay?

[ Finn had no idea if they were okay or not. The lying was a problem but one in the past. It was the context of everything else.

... He should be the one asking Poe that. ]

We're okay... [ But he knew that sounded unsure. ] If you think we are, then we're okay.

[ Poe was quiet for a minute. ]

Not sure that's up to me. [ Mumured lowly. ] I'm the one who's been an asshole, Finn.

But I want it to be okay.

You weren't being an asshole. I'm the one who didn't remember in the first place.

[ It's not really said like an accusation against himself but it kind of is, anyway, just one that he couldn't help. Regardless, Finn's voice was lowered just the same. ]

I want us to be okay, too, though.

Not your fault. [ Automatic. ] Unless you're gonna tell me you control the porter, in which case - come on man, what the hell.

[ It was a bad joke that fell flat, and he knew it. ]

It's not something that can be helped, Finn. I could disappeared tomorrow and come back two months from now and not remember a thing, either. That's just... how it goes.

[ He sighed. ]

I just... wish it wasn't.

I know it's not my fault. It's just something that's happened. That doesn't change that I... sometimes say the wrong things. Or make you uncomfortable. [ It didn't really matter that he was doing so unintentionally. It was still him doing it. ]

I see what you mean about the downsides here, though.

You haven't done a single thing wrong, Finn.

[ Firmly. ]

Not a single thing. It just - it hurts sometimes, that's all. It...

[ Bur he trailed off, swallowing. ]

Though maybe don't literally teleport away, next time. That one is a little on you.

Sorry. I- [ Just wanted to shut up and stop making things worse? Didn't want to face everyone when I knew I couldn't hold it together? ] I won't do that again.

I just... wish I could-... [ He looked off to the trees, gesturing as if the words could come out of thin air before giving up and dropping his hands. ] I wish I could help you somehow.

I'll be fine.

[ Said with the same assurance as he'd said Finn done nothing wrong, even if he really wasn't as sure. ]

I'd rather this to you not being here at all, right?

[ A miserable beat, and then, speaking more to the trees than to Finn: ]

I really missed you.

[ He... had a feeling that the simple admission was loaded in some way. Really, if Finn wanted to spare a moment to think about it, he knew he'd figure out why. He just really didn't want to think about it.

So instead, Finn bumped his elbow against Poe's. ] I'm here now, right? And if we act like idiots again, I promise to try talking to you before running off like that. Okay?

[ Because him being there was important to Poe, even with any lingering hurt. Despite being told as much repeatedly, he finally really got it. Or he hopes he's got it, anyway. ]

[ He swayed with the nudge, still not looking at Finn even though he relaxed slightly. ]

Never underestimate our ability to act like idiots. [ Lowly and dryly.

He was quiet a minute, and then he sighed. ]

I guess I owe you some answers, if you want them.

[ Finn wanted answers. He could not express how dearly he wanted answers. ]

You don't owe me anything. Just tell me what to avoid.

maskormenace : IC Contact

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idk how this place is laid out but this is what my mind came up with >.>

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