[ It didn't take Finn long at all to get home. He'd already done a panic shower and changed his clothes twice before forcing himself to sit outside, practically on his hands.
He sat on the floor in front of his unit, partly so as not to miss Poe returning (double and triple guessing if that was a good move to make) but mostly to watch the patch of trees sway in the wind, matching his breathing to the tilt of their leaves. It helped the anxiety. Didn't help the guilt and subsequent nausea.
As much as he was trying to not pay attention, Finn couldn't help but notice Poe approaching. He leaned forward, sitting up a little straighter... and had no idea what to say. ]
... Hey. [ Dammit. He couldn't ask if Poe was doing all right. They already talked about that. Dammit. ]
[ Finn bit his cheek to keep from reminding Poe about the cliff and which one of them fell off it. They didn't need to start with that. Be a little civil, Finn.
He shuffled his legs, adjusting. ] Yeah, I'm okay.
[ And just because they were like this- ] You okay?
[ Poe had to squint a little to block out the sunlight from over Finn's head, but he put his hands on his hips and then nodded. ]
Yeah. I'm okay.
[ There was another awkward pause, before Poe stepped forward and trudged up the stairs, before sitting down next to Finn and dangling his feet off the edge, wrapping his arms around the bars. ]
You weren't being an asshole. I'm the one who didn't remember in the first place.
[ It's not really said like an accusation against himself but it kind of is, anyway, just one that he couldn't help. Regardless, Finn's voice was lowered just the same. ]
Not your fault. [ Automatic. ] Unless you're gonna tell me you control the porter, in which case - come on man, what the hell.
[ It was a bad joke that fell flat, and he knew it. ]
It's not something that can be helped, Finn. I could disappeared tomorrow and come back two months from now and not remember a thing, either. That's just... how it goes.
I know it's not my fault. It's just something that's happened. That doesn't change that I... sometimes say the wrong things. Or make you uncomfortable. [ It didn't really matter that he was doing so unintentionally. It was still him doing it. ]
I see what you mean about the downsides here, though.
Sorry. I- [ Just wanted to shut up and stop making things worse? Didn't want to face everyone when I knew I couldn't hold it together? ] I won't do that again.
I just... wish I could-... [ He looked off to the trees, gesturing as if the words could come out of thin air before giving up and dropping his hands. ] I wish I could help you somehow.
[ He... had a feeling that the simple admission was loaded in some way. Really, if Finn wanted to spare a moment to think about it, he knew he'd figure out why. He just really didn't want to think about it.
So instead, Finn bumped his elbow against Poe's. ] I'm here now, right? And if we act like idiots again, I promise to try talking to you before running off like that. Okay?
[ Because him being there was important to Poe, even with any lingering hurt. Despite being told as much repeatedly, he finally really got it. Or he hopes he's got it, anyway. ]
[ He shrugged one shoulder, not sure why Poe would refuse to say. ]
So that-... [ It was easier to squeeze water out of a rock than navigate this conversation. Finn gestured again. ] I don't want to bring up bad memories. Even on accident. That's not too much to ask, right?
[ As much as Poe may have thought, Finn wasn't totally naïve about this. He must have gone over their earlier conversations a million times, focusing on the parts that Poe looked particularly... depressed for no discernable reason.
But maybe it was too much to ask of Poe. He'd just have to figure out the road map for himself. With context, hopefully, it'd be much easier than before. ]
[ He fidgeted, watching his hands through the bars. He was probably not self aware enough to have this conversation, and he knew that, but he owed it to Finn. ]
We had a good thing, Finn. Then you were gone. That's all there is to it.
[ Sure, it hadn't been completely smooth, but nothing ever was. And Poe had long since realised that the major fights they'd had were almost entirely his fault, anyway. Force knew everyone else had known he was wrong, too. ]
[ That more than anything solidified exactly what Finn hadn't wanted to think about. Poe had really cared for him. Finn had something intimate and real and strong with someone.
And now it was gone. And he didn't remember a thing.
There was nothing to do for it, he told himself, eerily easy to slip into that mindset. Sometimes people forgot things and changed, and there was nothing that could be done.
Finn hummed and looked away from Poe, down to his own hands. ]
I'm glad it was good. And I'm glad you remember it that way. [ As opposed to Finn remembering and Poe being thrown in his position... No, this wasn't fair for either of them. That was no way to think. ]
[ He wilted slightly. He didn't know what else to say about it. It had been good, and then it was gone and it had torn him apart way worse than it should have.
In a fucked up way, Poe knew he would have handled it better if they had been home in the middle of a war. If he'd had something to throw himself into. But he'd been here, instead.
A part of him really envied Finn.
If he could just forget--
His chest clenched. No. He didn't want to forget. That was no way to think, wasn't fair to either of them. ]
Don't go looking for it on the Internet, though. A lot of the natives were kind of upset about it.
Long story. To put it short - I sort of rejected someone else on national television, because I-- well. You know. [ Gestures vaguely. Sure, Poe, that makes it totally clear what you mean. ]
Anyway. The Natives do this thing called "shipping", where they get really over invested in our love lives. A lot of people had wanted me and the other person to get together, so they were really upset. I got death threats and stuff, it was surreal. When they heard that we were together instead, there was a lot of nasty chatter about it.
[ A pause. ]
Before you feel bad, he is very happily with someone else and the two of them are basically married, so. There you go.
[ Poe rejected someone else... for him? That was a thought.
Yet, Finn couldn't help the breath of a laugh. ]
Sorry. I mean, sorry about what happened between you two. It's just weird that people keep thinking they can have input on your love life like that. [ Poe had said something similar about his relationship with 622. Honestly, it was either laugh at people being dumb or get furious about it. ]
Death threats, though. That's insane. [ And Finn wasn't going to stand for something like that. People threatened to kill Poe because he wanted to be with Finn? No. Fuck that. ]
Yeah, tell me about it. It was all just pointless bluffing, though. Nothing actually came of it.
But yeah, trust me, I really wish they didn't care so much. [ A pause. ]
Well, kind of. Some of them are great. Make art and comics and stuff and don't take it seriously. I collect some of that stuff. But at least they seem to be aware that it's not really about them.
[ ... Of course, he does. Of course, Poe enjoys his fans and collects their artworks of him. Of course, he likes people who try to intrude on his life no matter how little.
Fans. Well, if anyone deserved it-
Still, Finn's smile was slow but wide and his laugh was quiet but no less happy. It was impossible for Poe Dameron to not be the kindest, most endearing person alive. ] Good. I can see you enjoying that. Sounds like you. I'm curious about these comics, though.
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idk how this place is laid out but this is what my mind came up with >.>
He sat on the floor in front of his unit, partly so as not to miss Poe returning (double and triple guessing if that was a good move to make) but mostly to watch the patch of trees sway in the wind, matching his breathing to the tilt of their leaves. It helped the anxiety. Didn't help the guilt and subsequent nausea.
As much as he was trying to not pay attention, Finn couldn't help but notice Poe approaching. He leaned forward, sitting up a little straighter... and had no idea what to say. ]
... Hey. [ Dammit. He couldn't ask if Poe was doing all right. They already talked about that. Dammit. ]
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Hey. [ And then, before he could stop himself because his brain to mouth filter was not anywhere near as good as Finn's: ]
... You okay?
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He shuffled his legs, adjusting. ] Yeah, I'm okay.
[ And just because they were like this- ] You okay?
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Yeah. I'm okay.
[ There was another awkward pause, before Poe stepped forward and trudged up the stairs, before sitting down next to Finn and dangling his feet off the edge, wrapping his arms around the bars. ]
... We okay?
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... He should be the one asking Poe that. ]
We're okay... [ But he knew that sounded unsure. ] If you think we are, then we're okay.
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Not sure that's up to me. [ Mumured lowly. ] I'm the one who's been an asshole, Finn.
But I want it to be okay.
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[ It's not really said like an accusation against himself but it kind of is, anyway, just one that he couldn't help. Regardless, Finn's voice was lowered just the same. ]
I want us to be okay, too, though.
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[ It was a bad joke that fell flat, and he knew it. ]
It's not something that can be helped, Finn. I could disappeared tomorrow and come back two months from now and not remember a thing, either. That's just... how it goes.
[ He sighed. ]
I just... wish it wasn't.
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I see what you mean about the downsides here, though.
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[ Firmly. ]
Not a single thing. It just - it hurts sometimes, that's all. It...
[ Bur he trailed off, swallowing. ]
Though maybe don't literally teleport away, next time. That one is a little on you.
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I just... wish I could-... [ He looked off to the trees, gesturing as if the words could come out of thin air before giving up and dropping his hands. ] I wish I could help you somehow.
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[ Said with the same assurance as he'd said Finn done nothing wrong, even if he really wasn't as sure. ]
I'd rather this to you not being here at all, right?
[ A miserable beat, and then, speaking more to the trees than to Finn: ]
I really missed you.
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So instead, Finn bumped his elbow against Poe's. ] I'm here now, right? And if we act like idiots again, I promise to try talking to you before running off like that. Okay?
[ Because him being there was important to Poe, even with any lingering hurt. Despite being told as much repeatedly, he finally really got it. Or he hopes he's got it, anyway. ]
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Never underestimate our ability to act like idiots. [ Lowly and dryly.
He was quiet a minute, and then he sighed. ]
I guess I owe you some answers, if you want them.
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You don't owe me anything. Just tell me what to avoid.
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Yeah, that's not... That's not how it works. Honestly even if it did work like that, and I had a list, I wouldn't tell you.
What would be the point?
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So that-... [ It was easier to squeeze water out of a rock than navigate this conversation. Finn gestured again. ] I don't want to bring up bad memories. Even on accident. That's not too much to ask, right?
[ As much as Poe may have thought, Finn wasn't totally naïve about this. He must have gone over their earlier conversations a million times, focusing on the parts that Poe looked particularly... depressed for no discernable reason.
But maybe it was too much to ask of Poe. He'd just have to figure out the road map for himself. With context, hopefully, it'd be much easier than before. ]
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[ He fidgeted, watching his hands through the bars. He was probably not self aware enough to have this conversation, and he knew that, but he owed it to Finn. ]
We had a good thing, Finn. Then you were gone. That's all there is to it.
[ Sure, it hadn't been completely smooth, but nothing ever was. And Poe had long since realised that the major fights they'd had were almost entirely his fault, anyway. Force knew everyone else had known he was wrong, too. ]
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And now it was gone. And he didn't remember a thing.
There was nothing to do for it, he told himself, eerily easy to slip into that mindset. Sometimes people forgot things and changed, and there was nothing that could be done.
Finn hummed and looked away from Poe, down to his own hands. ]
I'm glad it was good. And I'm glad you remember it that way. [ As opposed to Finn remembering and Poe being thrown in his position... No, this wasn't fair for either of them. That was no way to think. ]
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[ He wilted slightly. He didn't know what else to say about it. It had been good, and then it was gone and it had torn him apart way worse than it should have.
In a fucked up way, Poe knew he would have handled it better if they had been home in the middle of a war. If he'd had something to throw himself into. But he'd been here, instead.
A part of him really envied Finn.
If he could just forget--
His chest clenched. No. He didn't want to forget. That was no way to think, wasn't fair to either of them. ]
Don't go looking for it on the Internet, though. A lot of the natives were kind of upset about it.
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Finn had no plans to look on the internet, whatever he found likely too painful, but he had to ask: ]
Why's that?
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Long story. To put it short - I sort of rejected someone else on national television, because I-- well. You know. [ Gestures vaguely. Sure, Poe, that makes it totally clear what you mean. ]
Anyway. The Natives do this thing called "shipping", where they get really over invested in our love lives. A lot of people had wanted me and the other person to get together, so they were really upset. I got death threats and stuff, it was surreal. When they heard that we were together instead, there was a lot of nasty chatter about it.
[ A pause. ]
Before you feel bad, he is very happily with someone else and the two of them are basically married, so. There you go.
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Yet, Finn couldn't help the breath of a laugh. ]
Sorry. I mean, sorry about what happened between you two. It's just weird that people keep thinking they can have input on your love life like that. [ Poe had said something similar about his relationship with 622. Honestly, it was either laugh at people being dumb or get furious about it. ]
Death threats, though. That's insane. [ And Finn wasn't going to stand for something like that. People threatened to kill Poe because he wanted to be with Finn? No. Fuck that. ]
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But yeah, trust me, I really wish they didn't care so much. [ A pause. ]
Well, kind of. Some of them are great. Make art and comics and stuff and don't take it seriously. I collect some of that stuff. But at least they seem to be aware that it's not really about them.
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Fans. Well, if anyone deserved it-
Still, Finn's smile was slow but wide and his laugh was quiet but no less happy. It was impossible for Poe Dameron to not be the kindest, most endearing person alive. ] Good. I can see you enjoying that. Sounds like you. I'm curious about these comics, though.
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