[ He shrugged one shoulder, not sure why Poe would refuse to say. ]
So that-... [ It was easier to squeeze water out of a rock than navigate this conversation. Finn gestured again. ] I don't want to bring up bad memories. Even on accident. That's not too much to ask, right?
[ As much as Poe may have thought, Finn wasn't totally naïve about this. He must have gone over their earlier conversations a million times, focusing on the parts that Poe looked particularly... depressed for no discernable reason.
But maybe it was too much to ask of Poe. He'd just have to figure out the road map for himself. With context, hopefully, it'd be much easier than before. ]
[ He fidgeted, watching his hands through the bars. He was probably not self aware enough to have this conversation, and he knew that, but he owed it to Finn. ]
We had a good thing, Finn. Then you were gone. That's all there is to it.
[ Sure, it hadn't been completely smooth, but nothing ever was. And Poe had long since realised that the major fights they'd had were almost entirely his fault, anyway. Force knew everyone else had known he was wrong, too. ]
[ That more than anything solidified exactly what Finn hadn't wanted to think about. Poe had really cared for him. Finn had something intimate and real and strong with someone.
And now it was gone. And he didn't remember a thing.
There was nothing to do for it, he told himself, eerily easy to slip into that mindset. Sometimes people forgot things and changed, and there was nothing that could be done.
Finn hummed and looked away from Poe, down to his own hands. ]
I'm glad it was good. And I'm glad you remember it that way. [ As opposed to Finn remembering and Poe being thrown in his position... No, this wasn't fair for either of them. That was no way to think. ]
[ He wilted slightly. He didn't know what else to say about it. It had been good, and then it was gone and it had torn him apart way worse than it should have.
In a fucked up way, Poe knew he would have handled it better if they had been home in the middle of a war. If he'd had something to throw himself into. But he'd been here, instead.
A part of him really envied Finn.
If he could just forget--
His chest clenched. No. He didn't want to forget. That was no way to think, wasn't fair to either of them. ]
Don't go looking for it on the Internet, though. A lot of the natives were kind of upset about it.
Long story. To put it short - I sort of rejected someone else on national television, because I-- well. You know. [ Gestures vaguely. Sure, Poe, that makes it totally clear what you mean. ]
Anyway. The Natives do this thing called "shipping", where they get really over invested in our love lives. A lot of people had wanted me and the other person to get together, so they were really upset. I got death threats and stuff, it was surreal. When they heard that we were together instead, there was a lot of nasty chatter about it.
[ A pause. ]
Before you feel bad, he is very happily with someone else and the two of them are basically married, so. There you go.
[ Poe rejected someone else... for him? That was a thought.
Yet, Finn couldn't help the breath of a laugh. ]
Sorry. I mean, sorry about what happened between you two. It's just weird that people keep thinking they can have input on your love life like that. [ Poe had said something similar about his relationship with 622. Honestly, it was either laugh at people being dumb or get furious about it. ]
Death threats, though. That's insane. [ And Finn wasn't going to stand for something like that. People threatened to kill Poe because he wanted to be with Finn? No. Fuck that. ]
Yeah, tell me about it. It was all just pointless bluffing, though. Nothing actually came of it.
But yeah, trust me, I really wish they didn't care so much. [ A pause. ]
Well, kind of. Some of them are great. Make art and comics and stuff and don't take it seriously. I collect some of that stuff. But at least they seem to be aware that it's not really about them.
[ ... Of course, he does. Of course, Poe enjoys his fans and collects their artworks of him. Of course, he likes people who try to intrude on his life no matter how little.
Fans. Well, if anyone deserved it-
Still, Finn's smile was slow but wide and his laugh was quiet but no less happy. It was impossible for Poe Dameron to not be the kindest, most endearing person alive. ] Good. I can see you enjoying that. Sounds like you. I'm curious about these comics, though.
[ It was the slow honest progress of Finn's smile, rather than anything he said, that had Poe relaxing a little bit. Way better than that confused, worried, scrunched up brow. It let his expression soften a bit too, the answering smile small but easy. ]
No, you don't. If I actually showed you some of them you would stand there like a startled fish, mouth gaping, going "Poe?? Poe!!" at me. A loooot of it is pure smut. But a bunch is cute.
I have this whole collection of this one author writing about Andy and Rex that I'm half tempted to hide under his pillow sometime and see if it gives him any ideas.
That's right. I know a lot of people find it weird, but - well, it is weird, but it's harmless. And it means I have a whole collection of stuff about my friends if they--
[ He faltered. Ah. He tried to play it off with a shrug. ]
You know. If they port out. I have a bunch on Kaytoo and Skeets... You didn't even get a chance to meet skeets, but. I don't know. Maybe they'll come back.
Finn's smile turns less bright and more gentle, noticing the falter. The whole thing is hard for him to grasp. He'd never had people to mourn before, much less anyone to mourn him. Yet, in this place, no one was ever really gone. Even with BB-8 having left not long ago, he still has trouble figuring this out.
Both droids. Though I'm not sure Skeets would call himself a droid, since that wasn't a word they used in his universe, but.
He's about this big - [ He gestured approximately the size of a roomba. ] - gold, super shiny. He was one of the first people I met here, actually - helped me orient on my first day. Super polite, super kind - went out of his way to help people. Sharp as a tack. He taught me what 'gifs' are, too, though, so he had this weird sense of humour you wouldn't expect. I think that's why he and Kaytoo got along so well.
Kaytoo - Well, his full designation is K-2SO, he was an imperial security droid that got reprogrammed by Cassian Andor years before the Battle of Yavin. They were part of Rogue One, like Bodhi, that got the Death Star plans from Scariff. He was huge, like, easily seven foot. And he had this amazing acidic wit, like - dry as all hell. Pretended he didn't care about anything or anyone save Cassian, which was a total and obvious lie almost right from the get go, but. This was the first time he'd really got to have a life outside of all that, you know? I have... I have no idea how well he felt that went. He took it pretty hard when Cassian ported out the first time. He's - he was really great. We were good friends.
[ Finn was still getting used to (and enjoying greatly) droids being referred to as other people. He smiled at the way Poe spoke of them, raising his eyebrows high over the imperial security droid ordeal. He nodded. ]
I hope they come back someday. [ But that felt a bit dumb and maybe even insincere to say after everything. ] Bodhi told me about Rogue One, about how they stole the plans. He didn't mention the imperial security droid, but I guess he used to be Empire, too.
They were a pretty eclectic bunch. I don't think Kaytoo defected so much as was forced to defect, but. He chose to stay with them.
[ He hoped. The Kaytoo he knew certainly seemed to. ]
But yeah. I hope they come back, too. Skeets... He'll be fine, his universe sounds insane but he's got a place in it. Kaytoo-- Kaytoo's dead, back home. So I don't... I don't know where he is, right now.
[ It felt good to almost talk to Poe as if nothing had happened. Though, it felt like there were eyes over his shoulder, waiting for him to slip up.
Are there were so few things he could say to that, so Finn was quiet for a moment. ]
Seems like people can come here from any time, any dimension- Like there's an infinite amount of possibilities or time just loops in on itself or something. What I mean is... no one's ever really gone. Right? Kaytoo's somewhere. Everyone is.
I'm not sure anything could make it better... Probably living in the moment is the best we could do.
[ Or maybe just the best Finn could do. He wanted to run and hide from this other version of himself now, his feelings conflicted in ways he hadn't really thought possible. ]
[ There was a significant pause, Poe's gaze a little unfocused as he looked out to the trees. ]
That's what I've been trying to do. I didn't used to. I mean - yeah, sure, living in the moment as in not really expecting to live another one, maybe, but I've been trying to just - take it as it comes, here.
Easier said than done, though. But I am trying.
Just turns out that half of what comes is other people going.
[ Finn wished there was something he could say that would change this whole perception. Hell, he just wished Poe would give an honest smile again. The problem is he didn't know what all Poe's been through. He could talk with positive flowy words all day, but he didn't know what it was like, to be stuck here so long, to lose people, to have loved ones forget you.
Except he did have some experience, only with an entirely different context. The First Order wasn't like this place. Reconditioning wasn't like whatever happened to Finn. But it kind of was? ]
People go, but a little of people come in. Some people come back. [ Though not him. He didn't mean him. More like, he meant that the other might. ] All anyone can do is try. It's- It's impossible. I don't think people are supposed to live like that, but we can try. It works sometimes, right? That's worth it.
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Yeah, that's not... That's not how it works. Honestly even if it did work like that, and I had a list, I wouldn't tell you.
What would be the point?
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So that-... [ It was easier to squeeze water out of a rock than navigate this conversation. Finn gestured again. ] I don't want to bring up bad memories. Even on accident. That's not too much to ask, right?
[ As much as Poe may have thought, Finn wasn't totally naïve about this. He must have gone over their earlier conversations a million times, focusing on the parts that Poe looked particularly... depressed for no discernable reason.
But maybe it was too much to ask of Poe. He'd just have to figure out the road map for himself. With context, hopefully, it'd be much easier than before. ]
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[ He fidgeted, watching his hands through the bars. He was probably not self aware enough to have this conversation, and he knew that, but he owed it to Finn. ]
We had a good thing, Finn. Then you were gone. That's all there is to it.
[ Sure, it hadn't been completely smooth, but nothing ever was. And Poe had long since realised that the major fights they'd had were almost entirely his fault, anyway. Force knew everyone else had known he was wrong, too. ]
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And now it was gone. And he didn't remember a thing.
There was nothing to do for it, he told himself, eerily easy to slip into that mindset. Sometimes people forgot things and changed, and there was nothing that could be done.
Finn hummed and looked away from Poe, down to his own hands. ]
I'm glad it was good. And I'm glad you remember it that way. [ As opposed to Finn remembering and Poe being thrown in his position... No, this wasn't fair for either of them. That was no way to think. ]
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[ He wilted slightly. He didn't know what else to say about it. It had been good, and then it was gone and it had torn him apart way worse than it should have.
In a fucked up way, Poe knew he would have handled it better if they had been home in the middle of a war. If he'd had something to throw himself into. But he'd been here, instead.
A part of him really envied Finn.
If he could just forget--
His chest clenched. No. He didn't want to forget. That was no way to think, wasn't fair to either of them. ]
Don't go looking for it on the Internet, though. A lot of the natives were kind of upset about it.
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Finn had no plans to look on the internet, whatever he found likely too painful, but he had to ask: ]
Why's that?
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Long story. To put it short - I sort of rejected someone else on national television, because I-- well. You know. [ Gestures vaguely. Sure, Poe, that makes it totally clear what you mean. ]
Anyway. The Natives do this thing called "shipping", where they get really over invested in our love lives. A lot of people had wanted me and the other person to get together, so they were really upset. I got death threats and stuff, it was surreal. When they heard that we were together instead, there was a lot of nasty chatter about it.
[ A pause. ]
Before you feel bad, he is very happily with someone else and the two of them are basically married, so. There you go.
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Yet, Finn couldn't help the breath of a laugh. ]
Sorry. I mean, sorry about what happened between you two. It's just weird that people keep thinking they can have input on your love life like that. [ Poe had said something similar about his relationship with 622. Honestly, it was either laugh at people being dumb or get furious about it. ]
Death threats, though. That's insane. [ And Finn wasn't going to stand for something like that. People threatened to kill Poe because he wanted to be with Finn? No. Fuck that. ]
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But yeah, trust me, I really wish they didn't care so much. [ A pause. ]
Well, kind of. Some of them are great. Make art and comics and stuff and don't take it seriously. I collect some of that stuff. But at least they seem to be aware that it's not really about them.
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Fans. Well, if anyone deserved it-
Still, Finn's smile was slow but wide and his laugh was quiet but no less happy. It was impossible for Poe Dameron to not be the kindest, most endearing person alive. ] Good. I can see you enjoying that. Sounds like you. I'm curious about these comics, though.
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No, you don't. If I actually showed you some of them you would stand there like a startled fish, mouth gaping, going "Poe?? Poe!!" at me. A loooot of it is pure smut. But a bunch is cute.
I have this whole collection of this one author writing about Andy and Rex that I'm half tempted to hide under his pillow sometime and see if it gives him any ideas.
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No, okay, you're right. I changed my mind.
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[ He faltered. Ah. He tried to play it off with a shrug. ]
You know. If they port out. I have a bunch on Kaytoo and Skeets... You didn't even get a chance to meet skeets, but. I don't know. Maybe they'll come back.
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Finn's smile turns less bright and more gentle, noticing the falter. The whole thing is hard for him to grasp. He'd never had people to mourn before, much less anyone to mourn him. Yet, in this place, no one was ever really gone. Even with BB-8 having left not long ago, he still has trouble figuring this out.
But he could do a little. ] Tell me about them?
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He's about this big - [ He gestured approximately the size of a roomba. ] - gold, super shiny. He was one of the first people I met here, actually - helped me orient on my first day. Super polite, super kind - went out of his way to help people. Sharp as a tack. He taught me what 'gifs' are, too, though, so he had this weird sense of humour you wouldn't expect. I think that's why he and Kaytoo got along so well.
Kaytoo - Well, his full designation is K-2SO, he was an imperial security droid that got reprogrammed by Cassian Andor years before the Battle of Yavin. They were part of Rogue One, like Bodhi, that got the Death Star plans from Scariff. He was huge, like, easily seven foot. And he had this amazing acidic wit, like - dry as all hell. Pretended he didn't care about anything or anyone save Cassian, which was a total and obvious lie almost right from the get go, but. This was the first time he'd really got to have a life outside of all that, you know? I have... I have no idea how well he felt that went. He took it pretty hard when Cassian ported out the first time. He's - he was really great. We were good friends.
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I hope they come back someday. [ But that felt a bit dumb and maybe even insincere to say after everything. ] Bodhi told me about Rogue One, about how they stole the plans. He didn't mention the imperial security droid, but I guess he used to be Empire, too.
They sound fun, though.
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[ He hoped. The Kaytoo he knew certainly seemed to. ]
But yeah. I hope they come back, too. Skeets... He'll be fine, his universe sounds insane but he's got a place in it. Kaytoo-- Kaytoo's dead, back home. So I don't... I don't know where he is, right now.
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Are there were so few things he could say to that, so Finn was quiet for a moment. ]
Seems like people can come here from any time, any dimension- Like there's an infinite amount of possibilities or time just loops in on itself or something. What I mean is... no one's ever really gone. Right? Kaytoo's somewhere. Everyone is.
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... Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. That's a good way of looking at it.
[ He gave a rueful smile that didn't reach his eyes. ]
Doesn't really make it a hell of a lot better, but. It's a nice thought.
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I'm not sure anything could make it better... Probably living in the moment is the best we could do.
[ Or maybe just the best Finn could do. He wanted to run and hide from this other version of himself now, his feelings conflicted in ways he hadn't really thought possible. ]
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[ There was a significant pause, Poe's gaze a little unfocused as he looked out to the trees. ]
That's what I've been trying to do. I didn't used to. I mean - yeah, sure, living in the moment as in not really expecting to live another one, maybe, but I've been trying to just - take it as it comes, here.
Easier said than done, though. But I am trying.
Just turns out that half of what comes is other people going.
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Except he did have some experience, only with an entirely different context. The First Order wasn't like this place. Reconditioning wasn't like whatever happened to Finn. But it kind of was? ]
People go, but a little of people come in. Some people come back. [ Though not him. He didn't mean him. More like, he meant that the other might. ] All anyone can do is try. It's- It's impossible. I don't think people are supposed to live like that, but we can try. It works sometimes, right? That's worth it.
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Yeah, of course it's worth it.
[ Using Finn's shoulder as leverage, he stood back up, then leaned over the rail. ]
Every second we're alive and with people we care about, it's worth it. Just gotta keep that in the front of my mind, I guess.
I just didn't want you to get bogged down with this stuff. I know it's a lot.
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I can handle it. [ To be honest, he wasn't sure Poe even believed that. ]
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[ He took a breath and then a step back. ]
... Come on. You want a coffee? I could use a coffee.
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