[ Finn had very highly considered not coming back tonight at all. He had stayed out all night when there wasn't this much tension at the practice, but that's precisely why he's here now. Exhaustion's been catching up, and today was particularly exhausting.
Still, he did a great job of avoiding McCoy, not because of any pettiness but because he really didn't want to get into it in person, especially in a place where James could walk in on them. Even if the topic wasn't about him, Finn would still want to shield him from any in-fighting going on between his boyfriends. There's no reason for him to get caught up in it, too.
There hadn't been any response from James in McCoy's intel drop, he noticed. It could have been private, like his was, but Finn suspects they spoke about it before McCoy went public. Finn's been worried but didn't know how to approach him, what to say, and he hoped sleep would help.
Totally not just avoiding everyone after that argument as a means of running and hiding...
Anyway, it still manages to be a surprise when Finn opens the door to find James standing there. Who else would it be, really? But there's also a beat of panic that he has to muffle down, immediately stepping back while holding the door open. ]
Yeah, of course. Are you okay?
[ Dumb question, but he doesn't know how to take it back after it's out there, so he just offers up his bed for James to sit on instead. ]
[ If Finn hadn't come back tonight, Jim would have definitely worried, and he'd have gone out to look for him, so it's a good thing that's not something he needs to add to his list of concerns right now. Seeing Finn comes with both relief and a pang in his chest when he realizes what they all have ahead of them, and how badly he needs for Finn to be safe, and not go out on his own like last time.
That's the reason why he's here. A genuine hope that a sensible, intimate conversation will dissuade Finn from whatever plan he's sure Finn is already thinking up in his head.
Once inside the room, he takes Finn's invitation and sits down on the bed, letting out a sigh at the question. ]
No. But I don't think any of us are.
[ No point in telling Finn he's fine when he obviously isn't. He pats the spot next to him, and turns to face Finn once he's seated beside him, reaching out to hold both his hands. ]
Finn. You trust me, right? More than just boyfriends, we're a team? We can rely on each other, be honest with each other, no matter what.
[ Yeah, he expected that answer. But he doesn't try find some sort of bright side or even make an attempt at cheering him up. Things feel too dire for that. He does sit down, though, maybe a little closer than he initially planned, wanting to give comfort somehow, if he's allowed.
When James takes his hands, his concern ramps up. Something's wrong, something more than McCoy's warning, as if that wasn't bad enough. He squeezes his hands back. ]
Of course, I trust you.
[ It's an automatic response. And it's true... to a point, not that he even realizes it. Hiding things from Jim under the guise of keeping him calm and safe, anxiety that Finn'll be judged for his past at any moment and found wanting, these things don't speak of trust.
But he's too worried about James to even catch it. ]
[ Foolishly, Jim believes him. Foolishly, he believes that Finn hears what he says, and agrees to all of it completely, that he'll respect that and be true to his work. Unaware that Finn isn't even listening, or at least doesn't understand what Jim's trying to get at.
But anyway, the answer is met with relief. He lets out a breath, then smiles faintly, as much as he can manage to smile right now. Then it drops, and he moves on to what he wants to talk about. ]
I like to think... I know you well enough, by now. And I may be wrong, I mean... I'd be glad to be wrong, but I'm pretty sure you're going to want to give up any rations for the sake of other people. I need you to not do that, Finn.
[ His hands hold Finn's tighter, as if that'll just convince him to agree. ]
Bones will be checking up on every Orber, and I'm going to do an inventory on available supplies, as well as gather any rations that other Orbers have brought in excess. We'll be smart about it, distribute it as needed, but we can't have anyone going off on their own and sacrificing themselves.
And I'll need you with me. I'll need your help with this. I can't do this on my own.
[ Finn goes still when Jim grips his hands tighter, asks him not to give up his share. He had just finished arguing with McCoy about this, he doubts getting through to James, making him understand, will be any easier.
But instead of panic, it's grief that sits low in his stomach as James finishes his plea. At least, Finn knows where to start. ]
You don't have to. I'm with you. You're not alone... But- [ He's not alone. Finn will always stand by him, maybe even when it's not wanted. But... the rest catches in his throat.
This isn't some motel in the shady part of town, the risks aren't the idea that they might be caught. This is serious, very real consequences will come over what happens the next few days, and he can't give in no matter how much he suddenly wants to. Reassuring James is important but it doesn't come before his life.
He licks his lips, lets out a shaking breath, shifts the grip of their hands, as if any of it will... well, convince him to agree. ]
James, I don't need the rations. Not like everyone else here. I can survive on the Force alone. They're too important to waste on someone who doesn't need them.
[ He had a feeling this was going to be a difficult conversation. He knew, of course, that Finn would try to argue and be stubborn about it, but he hoped that starting off with pointing out that they're a team and that they should rely on each other and be honest no matter what would help things a little.
It does not, it seems. Because Finn seems to have made up his mind already somehow, and of all the things to hear? Finn mentioning the Force is definitely not something he was counting on.
His face twists into a frown, and he tilts his head at Finn, confused. ]
What do you mean, you can survive on the Force alone?
[ Please, explain. In great detail. Because otherwise he's not buying it. ]
[ They are a team (he wants to be a team) and he does rely on him (he doesn't know if he's relied on in return (nor does he actually rely on him for fear of being a burden)) and he is honest with him (aside from the things he doesn't say).
He pauses here, trying to figure out how to explain this in the best possible way, how to tell him that he believes this could really work. ]
The Force... is life. It's what gives life to everything. I've even seen it bring someone back from the dead.
[ No, he's not lying. He wasn't in the room, but feeling Rey die and feeling her come back- He might as well have been right there. To Finn, he saw the whole thing. ]
There's stories of people using it after fatal wounds, after getting torn apart, and they lived for decades. I can make it a few weeks, just until we can find the orb. We've already narrowed it down. It won't take long.
[ That first sentence just sounds like a motivational line pulled from a tacky book, and for a moment it just gets a flat stare from Jim. However, the rest he can respect. He has seen things that can bring people and animals back from the dead to understand how powerful something like that can be.
But the rest still doesn't inspire him with confidence, and he definitely doesn't like how Finn sounds so sure about its efficacy. ]
That's just stories. You don't know that it'll work, and you've never tried it before. You barely even know how to use it, you told me so yourself.
[ Okay, yeah, it does sound like a bad line, but Finn's dead serious when he says it. He doesn't know how else to describe the Force in words. That's just what it is.
It's definitely melodramatic in and of itself, but that's the Force for you. ]
I know I don't, but this isn't like... making things float or seeing years into the future. This is just using the Force on myself. It's a different, much smaller scale. I know my own body better than a plate.
[ Though, that just shows that he hasn't really got it yet if he thinks an object is so different. But the rest is... mostly right. ]
I've survived things before that I shouldn't have. I know it'll work.
[ That's precisely why Jim says nothing to it; he gets that's how the Force works, even if he himself may not sense or understand it. He's seen what Finn can do, after all, so he knows it's not just bullshit.
But that's not really what they're talking about here. ]
That's right, it's using it on yourself, with terrible consequences that you won't even be able to notice, because neither of us can. You may be willing to put your life on the line on this belief, but I can't— I can't lose you, Finn. Not like this. I can't just watch you wither away.
[ Finn grips his hands a little harder, practically begging him to understand. This is just what McCoy said it would be, and Finn doesn't know why he's even a little surprised about that. It does hurt, though, but he's not sure if it's because no one seems to believe him or because he's hurting James by doing this.
What choice does he have? ]
I'm not going to die. If I wasn't sure about this, I wouldn't suggest it.
But it will work. I know it.
[ James said that he loves him. Finn isn't taking that lightly, no matter what McCoy may think. ]
What if it doesn't work? What if in reality you're not alright?
[ Because that's a whole possibility, and they're all trapped in this illusion. They don't actually know what's real, what's truly happening to their bodies, their health. In a way they're lucky that Bones's readings aren't faked too, or else they would be in real trouble. ]
The Force is— impressive. Capable of a lot, I'm aware of that. But it can't really sustain you, it'll just be another illusion, like this one: it'll just be staving off the inevitable, and you will still be slowly starving yourself.
And— [ He hesitates, knowing that Finn may take this a little more personally. ] You've only just started learning how to use it. You're not good enough yet. I'm sorry, but I don't have as much faith in it working as you do, not at this point, and your life is too high a risk to take.
I didn't mean the Force is an illusion. I meant that it's creating the illusion you're not starving, just like this simulation, or whatever it is. But your body's still suffering the consequences of it.
[ The way Jim sees it, he's just delaying the inevitable, in the worst way possible. He may be wrong, of course, but he's not giving himself the time to think that through.
He stares at Finn for a good while, silent seconds that seem to stretch on for too long. ]
I do... trust you. But I can't trust you in this, Finn. Not with how little you know about the Force, and when it's your life that's on the line. I can't— your life is worth too much for that. I'm sorry.
[ Honestly, that's exactly what Finn took from the statement, and he shakes his head as if to try building an argument. The Force wouldn't create more of an illusion, it would be real. He knows it. Knows this more than he's known anything.
But James doesn't. And a rational part of Finn knows that... James has no reason to. That doesn't make this hurt less.
It takes him a moment to find the words, to settle his thoughts, because that sounds an awful lot like James doesn't trust him. James can't just say he does and take it back in the same breath. But what's Finn supposed to do? Promise nothing bad will happen? Give in and take the rations from someone else? ]
It's not.
[ Again, the worth of his life, it's the first thing that he feels like he has to rebuke in a quiet, hurt voice. After a beat between them where Finn seems more stunned than anything, he looks down to their hands and gently takes his away before looking back to Jim's eyes. He appears more sure now but the expression's fragile, everything he feels beneath a very thin veil. ]
I won't take something I don't need from someone who does. This will work... I have to do this. I'm sorry.
[ He's not especially surprised by Finn's reaction. He knows him well enough by now that he figured that asking him not to do this wouldn't have really done anything.
Still hurts no less, feeling Finn's hands leave his own, the way he dismisses his own life as though it were worth nothing in comparison to others'. But he also knows that he's causing Finn some hurt by telling him he doesn't trust how capable he is when it comes to using the Force. He just hasn't seen nearly enough to feel confident that Finn would be able to do this, and he just thinks that it's a desperate desire to do good, to help others, that's spurring on this idea, stupid and fueled by blind faith alone. ]
No, you're not.
[ It's not accusatory, just a quiet voice as he turns away physically, lifting a hand to his face. The next words tremble a little out of him, but he refuses to cry out loud. ]
It's just the worth you see your life having. But you're wrong, it's worth more than that. To me, to others. And I can't— I just can't do this, not like this.
[ Not another Tarsus, not another person that starves for the sake of others. His breath comes a little choked, and he gets to his feet before he loses control of his own emotions. ]
Sorry. [ That he can't stay, that he can't support Finn in this. Arguing will change nothing, it will only further upset them both and Jim can't muster the energy for it right now. He also is well aware of how cowardly this is, how wrong it is to turn his back on them simply for a disagreement on what they should do, but it's a point that hits too close to his own past trauma, and he can't overcome that so easily.
Leaving is just the best thing to do, he tells himself. He won't be of any use to the mission if he's just spending all his waking moments worrying over Finn, trying to make him change his mind. ]
[ He is sorry, though. He's sorry that he can't choose James over this, that the threat of his and other's lives is more than enough for Finn to go against his wishes. He's sorry that he can't explain himself and the Force better. He's sorry that he can't earn and keep his trust. He's sorry he can't protect him from everything. He's sorry he can't protect them. And he's sorry that McCoy was right.
Finn stands just a beat after James, realizing that he's leaving, unsure what he can even do at this point. It's not like James to walk out like this, and that just hurts Finn more.
Was it always so easy to lose him? Could this really be the start of the end? Were they never stronger than this? Why won't James trust him? ]
I won't die like that, James. I wouldn't do this to you.
[ At least his voice is somewhat steady, pulling on what shreds of anger he has rather than show how hurt he is right now, how vulnerable. He feels like he'll shake apart any second. ]
[ This time, everything bleeds through. The panic, the pain, the frustration of everything, most of all the fact that Finn isn't even aware of how reckless and suicidal he's being. If he's willing to throw his life away right now, like this, then who's to say he won't do the same again on the next crisis? The next mission? The one after that?
Because there are many ways of dealing with this. Many ideas and plans. It's not just Jim who doesn't trust Finn's abilities in this, but Finn also doesn't trust Jim and all the others in the team who could yet find a viable solution. He's just jumping straight into his reckless plan. ]
You're doing this to me right now. So don't tell me you wouldn't. Don't tell me you're not just jumping into it without any proof or certainty that it will work.
[ He chokes down a sob, but a tear falls from his eye anyway, which he wipes away promptly. ]
[ Finn takes a step forward out of instinct, a need to get to him, to comfort him, right before he takes another step back. He's the one hurting James right now. And Finn's not exactly unscathed either.
Jim sounds just like McCoy, running over his words, ignoring what he says, disbelieving everything he does and the reasons behind them. What can Finn possibly say? James won't believe him no matter what it is. And he can't give in and do as James wants, he can't. Everything in him tells him it's the wrong path. How can he ignore that? ]
How can I tell you? You won't believe me, and I don't know how to make you understand. All I have is the truth and faith, and this--
[ The steadiness falters, his anger failing him in the face of this pain. Tears come to his own eyes, and he ignores them, voice wavering despite himself. ]
What you said to me- I don't take how you feel lightly, and I can't promise that something bad won't happen, but it won't be because of this. I won't let it.
[ He almost repeats the same words. You are doing this to me. But it's mean, pointlessly cruel, and furthermore it's selfish, self-centered. This is not about him, after all. As much as it hurts, he understands that Finn's decision has nothing to do with him, and how he feels about it is absolutely irrelevant.
So he doesn't say it. He just covers his face and turns away again, entirely unsure how to handle this without making it worse. ]
I can't. I can't, Finn, I'm sorry. Not about this, I can't handle this.
[ He feels cowardly, horrible; he's not ending anything, he doesn't want to end anything, but he's too overwhelmed by all of this to handle anything, even though he should. He absolutely should be here for Finn, whether or not he agrees with him, but he just can't manage that right now. ]
[ On the contrary, Finn's decision has a whole lot to do with James. He even meant to give his rations to him, but that can't go over smoothly now. Still, the longer they can stretch the food, the more time they have to find the orb and get home, the higher chance that James will survive this. It wasn't exactly the well-being of everyone that helped Finn come to this decision.
Jim's life comes before almost everything else. Finn doesn't want to hurt him, doesn't want to be the target of such distrust, but he can't just take this decision back. And the longer this goes on, the worse it becomes.
It... feels a little like an ending to Finn. This is sudden and punishing and a failed test of something he thought they built a long time ago. Instead, he has no idea what to say, what to do, to make this be all right again. This is his fault, every amount of pain James feels right now. But he can't do anything else.
At least the fight has left him, but even though he feels desperate to make James feel better, he knows that he can't. ]
I-... I'm sorry...
[ He is, he really is, more than anything, and he knows James won't believe him. Maybe even can't believe him. There's something more at play, Finn's gathered that, but he can't help with it now. ]
[ That definitely would go over a whole lot worse than the rest of this conversation, that's for sure. Back on Tarsus IV, he was also one of the chosen, meant to live, meant to take rations that others needed just as much. It sits sickly in his stomach, to this day. He's no more than everyone else, and he would be repulsed by the thought of being in that position again.
What he has, he will share with everyone. Even if it means going hungry, being weaker, having a harder time down the line. He's not going to take or keep from others here. And he would certainly expect Finn to know him at least well enough to know that he would never accept such a gesture. ]
You'll do what you want.
[ That much has become obvious by now. Jim just can't bring himself to be there to watch it. He sucks in a breath, shaky and shuddered, then shakes his head, going for the door without looking back to Finn, or saying another word. There's no point anymore anyway, is there? ]
[ At this point, Finn's pretty sure that he doesn't know James at all. Not as well as... others, anyway. Talking like this, leaving- Of all the things, he hadn't expected this.
As James walks away, Finn opens his mouth to say... something. That this isn't what he wants to do. That he still wants to be by his side despite this fight. That he loves him. Something. It's not indecision that stops him, though, but the knowledge that he can't make this better. He can't change his mind, he can't reassure James, he can't just suddenly be believed about the impossible... The best thing he can do right now is let James leave.
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no subject
Still, he did a great job of avoiding McCoy, not because of any pettiness but because he really didn't want to get into it in person, especially in a place where James could walk in on them. Even if the topic wasn't about him, Finn would still want to shield him from any in-fighting going on between his boyfriends. There's no reason for him to get caught up in it, too.
There hadn't been any response from James in McCoy's intel drop, he noticed. It could have been private, like his was, but Finn suspects they spoke about it before McCoy went public. Finn's been worried but didn't know how to approach him, what to say, and he hoped sleep would help.
Totally not just avoiding everyone after that argument as a means of running and hiding...
Anyway, it still manages to be a surprise when Finn opens the door to find James standing there. Who else would it be, really? But there's also a beat of panic that he has to muffle down, immediately stepping back while holding the door open. ]
Yeah, of course. Are you okay?
[ Dumb question, but he doesn't know how to take it back after it's out there, so he just offers up his bed for James to sit on instead. ]
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That's the reason why he's here. A genuine hope that a sensible, intimate conversation will dissuade Finn from whatever plan he's sure Finn is already thinking up in his head.
Once inside the room, he takes Finn's invitation and sits down on the bed, letting out a sigh at the question. ]
No. But I don't think any of us are.
[ No point in telling Finn he's fine when he obviously isn't. He pats the spot next to him, and turns to face Finn once he's seated beside him, reaching out to hold both his hands. ]
Finn. You trust me, right? More than just boyfriends, we're a team? We can rely on each other, be honest with each other, no matter what.
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When James takes his hands, his concern ramps up. Something's wrong, something more than McCoy's warning, as if that wasn't bad enough. He squeezes his hands back. ]
Of course, I trust you.
[ It's an automatic response. And it's true... to a point, not that he even realizes it. Hiding things from Jim under the guise of keeping him calm and safe, anxiety that Finn'll be judged for his past at any moment and found wanting, these things don't speak of trust.
But he's too worried about James to even catch it. ]
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But anyway, the answer is met with relief. He lets out a breath, then smiles faintly, as much as he can manage to smile right now. Then it drops, and he moves on to what he wants to talk about. ]
I like to think... I know you well enough, by now. And I may be wrong, I mean... I'd be glad to be wrong, but I'm pretty sure you're going to want to give up any rations for the sake of other people. I need you to not do that, Finn.
[ His hands hold Finn's tighter, as if that'll just convince him to agree. ]
Bones will be checking up on every Orber, and I'm going to do an inventory on available supplies, as well as gather any rations that other Orbers have brought in excess. We'll be smart about it, distribute it as needed, but we can't have anyone going off on their own and sacrificing themselves.
And I'll need you with me. I'll need your help with this. I can't do this on my own.
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But instead of panic, it's grief that sits low in his stomach as James finishes his plea. At least, Finn knows where to start. ]
You don't have to. I'm with you. You're not alone... But- [ He's not alone. Finn will always stand by him, maybe even when it's not wanted. But... the rest catches in his throat.
This isn't some motel in the shady part of town, the risks aren't the idea that they might be caught. This is serious, very real consequences will come over what happens the next few days, and he can't give in no matter how much he suddenly wants to. Reassuring James is important but it doesn't come before his life.
He licks his lips, lets out a shaking breath, shifts the grip of their hands, as if any of it will... well, convince him to agree. ]
James, I don't need the rations. Not like everyone else here. I can survive on the Force alone. They're too important to waste on someone who doesn't need them.
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It does not, it seems. Because Finn seems to have made up his mind already somehow, and of all the things to hear? Finn mentioning the Force is definitely not something he was counting on.
His face twists into a frown, and he tilts his head at Finn, confused. ]
What do you mean, you can survive on the Force alone?
[ Please, explain. In great detail. Because otherwise he's not buying it. ]
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He pauses here, trying to figure out how to explain this in the best possible way, how to tell him that he believes this could really work. ]
The Force... is life. It's what gives life to everything. I've even seen it bring someone back from the dead.
[ No, he's not lying. He wasn't in the room, but feeling Rey die and feeling her come back- He might as well have been right there. To Finn, he saw the whole thing. ]
There's stories of people using it after fatal wounds, after getting torn apart, and they lived for decades. I can make it a few weeks, just until we can find the orb. We've already narrowed it down. It won't take long.
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But the rest still doesn't inspire him with confidence, and he definitely doesn't like how Finn sounds so sure about its efficacy. ]
That's just stories. You don't know that it'll work, and you've never tried it before. You barely even know how to use it, you told me so yourself.
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It's definitely melodramatic in and of itself, but that's the Force for you. ]
I know I don't, but this isn't like... making things float or seeing years into the future. This is just using the Force on myself. It's a different, much smaller scale. I know my own body better than a plate.
[ Though, that just shows that he hasn't really got it yet if he thinks an object is so different. But the rest is... mostly right. ]
I've survived things before that I shouldn't have. I know it'll work.
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But that's not really what they're talking about here. ]
That's right, it's using it on yourself, with terrible consequences that you won't even be able to notice, because neither of us can. You may be willing to put your life on the line on this belief, but I can't— I can't lose you, Finn. Not like this. I can't just watch you wither away.
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[ Finn grips his hands a little harder, practically begging him to understand. This is just what McCoy said it would be, and Finn doesn't know why he's even a little surprised about that. It does hurt, though, but he's not sure if it's because no one seems to believe him or because he's hurting James by doing this.
What choice does he have? ]
I'm not going to die. If I wasn't sure about this, I wouldn't suggest it.
But it will work. I know it.
[ James said that he loves him. Finn isn't taking that lightly, no matter what McCoy may think. ]
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[ Because that's a whole possibility, and they're all trapped in this illusion. They don't actually know what's real, what's truly happening to their bodies, their health. In a way they're lucky that Bones's readings aren't faked too, or else they would be in real trouble. ]
The Force is— impressive. Capable of a lot, I'm aware of that. But it can't really sustain you, it'll just be another illusion, like this one: it'll just be staving off the inevitable, and you will still be slowly starving yourself.
And— [ He hesitates, knowing that Finn may take this a little more personally. ] You've only just started learning how to use it. You're not good enough yet. I'm sorry, but I don't have as much faith in it working as you do, not at this point, and your life is too high a risk to take.
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Then again, what reasons does he actually have to trust him, really? How many times has Finn failed him now? ]
It's not. I-
[ His life. It's not too high a risk. But that's not a good direction to take this. ]
It- This isn't an illusion. I can feel the Force. I know when it's real, when it's working. I'm not trained enough, I know, but I can do this much.
Besides, I can't not try, not when I have this option and others don't.
James, please, I need you to trust me.
[ He's not sure he deserves to ask that of him. It doesn't feel fair. But he has to. ]
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[ The way Jim sees it, he's just delaying the inevitable, in the worst way possible. He may be wrong, of course, but he's not giving himself the time to think that through.
He stares at Finn for a good while, silent seconds that seem to stretch on for too long. ]
I do... trust you. But I can't trust you in this, Finn. Not with how little you know about the Force, and when it's your life that's on the line. I can't— your life is worth too much for that. I'm sorry.
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But James doesn't. And a rational part of Finn knows that... James has no reason to. That doesn't make this hurt less.
It takes him a moment to find the words, to settle his thoughts, because that sounds an awful lot like James doesn't trust him. James can't just say he does and take it back in the same breath. But what's Finn supposed to do? Promise nothing bad will happen? Give in and take the rations from someone else? ]
It's not.
[ Again, the worth of his life, it's the first thing that he feels like he has to rebuke in a quiet, hurt voice. After a beat between them where Finn seems more stunned than anything, he looks down to their hands and gently takes his away before looking back to Jim's eyes. He appears more sure now but the expression's fragile, everything he feels beneath a very thin veil. ]
I won't take something I don't need from someone who does. This will work... I have to do this. I'm sorry.
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Still hurts no less, feeling Finn's hands leave his own, the way he dismisses his own life as though it were worth nothing in comparison to others'. But he also knows that he's causing Finn some hurt by telling him he doesn't trust how capable he is when it comes to using the Force. He just hasn't seen nearly enough to feel confident that Finn would be able to do this, and he just thinks that it's a desperate desire to do good, to help others, that's spurring on this idea, stupid and fueled by blind faith alone. ]
No, you're not.
[ It's not accusatory, just a quiet voice as he turns away physically, lifting a hand to his face. The next words tremble a little out of him, but he refuses to cry out loud. ]
It's just the worth you see your life having. But you're wrong, it's worth more than that. To me, to others. And I can't— I just can't do this, not like this.
[ Not another Tarsus, not another person that starves for the sake of others. His breath comes a little choked, and he gets to his feet before he loses control of his own emotions. ]
Sorry. [ That he can't stay, that he can't support Finn in this. Arguing will change nothing, it will only further upset them both and Jim can't muster the energy for it right now. He also is well aware of how cowardly this is, how wrong it is to turn his back on them simply for a disagreement on what they should do, but it's a point that hits too close to his own past trauma, and he can't overcome that so easily.
Leaving is just the best thing to do, he tells himself. He won't be of any use to the mission if he's just spending all his waking moments worrying over Finn, trying to make him change his mind. ]
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Finn stands just a beat after James, realizing that he's leaving, unsure what he can even do at this point. It's not like James to walk out like this, and that just hurts Finn more.
Was it always so easy to lose him? Could this really be the start of the end? Were they never stronger than this? Why won't James trust him? ]
I won't die like that, James. I wouldn't do this to you.
[ At least his voice is somewhat steady, pulling on what shreds of anger he has rather than show how hurt he is right now, how vulnerable. He feels like he'll shake apart any second. ]
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[ This time, everything bleeds through. The panic, the pain, the frustration of everything, most of all the fact that Finn isn't even aware of how reckless and suicidal he's being. If he's willing to throw his life away right now, like this, then who's to say he won't do the same again on the next crisis? The next mission? The one after that?
Because there are many ways of dealing with this. Many ideas and plans. It's not just Jim who doesn't trust Finn's abilities in this, but Finn also doesn't trust Jim and all the others in the team who could yet find a viable solution. He's just jumping straight into his reckless plan. ]
You're doing this to me right now. So don't tell me you wouldn't. Don't tell me you're not just jumping into it without any proof or certainty that it will work.
[ He chokes down a sob, but a tear falls from his eye anyway, which he wipes away promptly. ]
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Jim sounds just like McCoy, running over his words, ignoring what he says, disbelieving everything he does and the reasons behind them. What can Finn possibly say? James won't believe him no matter what it is. And he can't give in and do as James wants, he can't. Everything in him tells him it's the wrong path. How can he ignore that? ]
How can I tell you? You won't believe me, and I don't know how to make you understand. All I have is the truth and faith, and this--
[ The steadiness falters, his anger failing him in the face of this pain. Tears come to his own eyes, and he ignores them, voice wavering despite himself. ]
What you said to me- I don't take how you feel lightly, and I can't promise that something bad won't happen, but it won't be because of this. I won't let it.
Please, James, I would not do this to you.
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So he doesn't say it. He just covers his face and turns away again, entirely unsure how to handle this without making it worse. ]
I can't. I can't, Finn, I'm sorry. Not about this, I can't handle this.
[ He feels cowardly, horrible; he's not ending anything, he doesn't want to end anything, but he's too overwhelmed by all of this to handle anything, even though he should. He absolutely should be here for Finn, whether or not he agrees with him, but he just can't manage that right now. ]
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Jim's life comes before almost everything else. Finn doesn't want to hurt him, doesn't want to be the target of such distrust, but he can't just take this decision back. And the longer this goes on, the worse it becomes.
It... feels a little like an ending to Finn. This is sudden and punishing and a failed test of something he thought they built a long time ago. Instead, he has no idea what to say, what to do, to make this be all right again. This is his fault, every amount of pain James feels right now. But he can't do anything else.
At least the fight has left him, but even though he feels desperate to make James feel better, he knows that he can't. ]
I-... I'm sorry...
[ He is, he really is, more than anything, and he knows James won't believe him. Maybe even can't believe him. There's something more at play, Finn's gathered that, but he can't help with it now. ]
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What he has, he will share with everyone. Even if it means going hungry, being weaker, having a harder time down the line. He's not going to take or keep from others here. And he would certainly expect Finn to know him at least well enough to know that he would never accept such a gesture. ]
You'll do what you want.
[ That much has become obvious by now. Jim just can't bring himself to be there to watch it. He sucks in a breath, shaky and shuddered, then shakes his head, going for the door without looking back to Finn, or saying another word. There's no point anymore anyway, is there? ]
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As James walks away, Finn opens his mouth to say... something. That this isn't what he wants to do. That he still wants to be by his side despite this fight. That he loves him. Something. It's not indecision that stops him, though, but the knowledge that he can't make this better. He can't change his mind, he can't reassure James, he can't just suddenly be believed about the impossible... The best thing he can do right now is let James leave.
So... he does. ]