I didn't mean the Force is an illusion. I meant that it's creating the illusion you're not starving, just like this simulation, or whatever it is. But your body's still suffering the consequences of it.
[ The way Jim sees it, he's just delaying the inevitable, in the worst way possible. He may be wrong, of course, but he's not giving himself the time to think that through.
He stares at Finn for a good while, silent seconds that seem to stretch on for too long. ]
I do... trust you. But I can't trust you in this, Finn. Not with how little you know about the Force, and when it's your life that's on the line. I can't— your life is worth too much for that. I'm sorry.
[ Honestly, that's exactly what Finn took from the statement, and he shakes his head as if to try building an argument. The Force wouldn't create more of an illusion, it would be real. He knows it. Knows this more than he's known anything.
But James doesn't. And a rational part of Finn knows that... James has no reason to. That doesn't make this hurt less.
It takes him a moment to find the words, to settle his thoughts, because that sounds an awful lot like James doesn't trust him. James can't just say he does and take it back in the same breath. But what's Finn supposed to do? Promise nothing bad will happen? Give in and take the rations from someone else? ]
It's not.
[ Again, the worth of his life, it's the first thing that he feels like he has to rebuke in a quiet, hurt voice. After a beat between them where Finn seems more stunned than anything, he looks down to their hands and gently takes his away before looking back to Jim's eyes. He appears more sure now but the expression's fragile, everything he feels beneath a very thin veil. ]
I won't take something I don't need from someone who does. This will work... I have to do this. I'm sorry.
[ He's not especially surprised by Finn's reaction. He knows him well enough by now that he figured that asking him not to do this wouldn't have really done anything.
Still hurts no less, feeling Finn's hands leave his own, the way he dismisses his own life as though it were worth nothing in comparison to others'. But he also knows that he's causing Finn some hurt by telling him he doesn't trust how capable he is when it comes to using the Force. He just hasn't seen nearly enough to feel confident that Finn would be able to do this, and he just thinks that it's a desperate desire to do good, to help others, that's spurring on this idea, stupid and fueled by blind faith alone. ]
No, you're not.
[ It's not accusatory, just a quiet voice as he turns away physically, lifting a hand to his face. The next words tremble a little out of him, but he refuses to cry out loud. ]
It's just the worth you see your life having. But you're wrong, it's worth more than that. To me, to others. And I can't— I just can't do this, not like this.
[ Not another Tarsus, not another person that starves for the sake of others. His breath comes a little choked, and he gets to his feet before he loses control of his own emotions. ]
Sorry. [ That he can't stay, that he can't support Finn in this. Arguing will change nothing, it will only further upset them both and Jim can't muster the energy for it right now. He also is well aware of how cowardly this is, how wrong it is to turn his back on them simply for a disagreement on what they should do, but it's a point that hits too close to his own past trauma, and he can't overcome that so easily.
Leaving is just the best thing to do, he tells himself. He won't be of any use to the mission if he's just spending all his waking moments worrying over Finn, trying to make him change his mind. ]
[ He is sorry, though. He's sorry that he can't choose James over this, that the threat of his and other's lives is more than enough for Finn to go against his wishes. He's sorry that he can't explain himself and the Force better. He's sorry that he can't earn and keep his trust. He's sorry he can't protect him from everything. He's sorry he can't protect them. And he's sorry that McCoy was right.
Finn stands just a beat after James, realizing that he's leaving, unsure what he can even do at this point. It's not like James to walk out like this, and that just hurts Finn more.
Was it always so easy to lose him? Could this really be the start of the end? Were they never stronger than this? Why won't James trust him? ]
I won't die like that, James. I wouldn't do this to you.
[ At least his voice is somewhat steady, pulling on what shreds of anger he has rather than show how hurt he is right now, how vulnerable. He feels like he'll shake apart any second. ]
[ This time, everything bleeds through. The panic, the pain, the frustration of everything, most of all the fact that Finn isn't even aware of how reckless and suicidal he's being. If he's willing to throw his life away right now, like this, then who's to say he won't do the same again on the next crisis? The next mission? The one after that?
Because there are many ways of dealing with this. Many ideas and plans. It's not just Jim who doesn't trust Finn's abilities in this, but Finn also doesn't trust Jim and all the others in the team who could yet find a viable solution. He's just jumping straight into his reckless plan. ]
You're doing this to me right now. So don't tell me you wouldn't. Don't tell me you're not just jumping into it without any proof or certainty that it will work.
[ He chokes down a sob, but a tear falls from his eye anyway, which he wipes away promptly. ]
[ Finn takes a step forward out of instinct, a need to get to him, to comfort him, right before he takes another step back. He's the one hurting James right now. And Finn's not exactly unscathed either.
Jim sounds just like McCoy, running over his words, ignoring what he says, disbelieving everything he does and the reasons behind them. What can Finn possibly say? James won't believe him no matter what it is. And he can't give in and do as James wants, he can't. Everything in him tells him it's the wrong path. How can he ignore that? ]
How can I tell you? You won't believe me, and I don't know how to make you understand. All I have is the truth and faith, and this--
[ The steadiness falters, his anger failing him in the face of this pain. Tears come to his own eyes, and he ignores them, voice wavering despite himself. ]
What you said to me- I don't take how you feel lightly, and I can't promise that something bad won't happen, but it won't be because of this. I won't let it.
[ He almost repeats the same words. You are doing this to me. But it's mean, pointlessly cruel, and furthermore it's selfish, self-centered. This is not about him, after all. As much as it hurts, he understands that Finn's decision has nothing to do with him, and how he feels about it is absolutely irrelevant.
So he doesn't say it. He just covers his face and turns away again, entirely unsure how to handle this without making it worse. ]
I can't. I can't, Finn, I'm sorry. Not about this, I can't handle this.
[ He feels cowardly, horrible; he's not ending anything, he doesn't want to end anything, but he's too overwhelmed by all of this to handle anything, even though he should. He absolutely should be here for Finn, whether or not he agrees with him, but he just can't manage that right now. ]
[ On the contrary, Finn's decision has a whole lot to do with James. He even meant to give his rations to him, but that can't go over smoothly now. Still, the longer they can stretch the food, the more time they have to find the orb and get home, the higher chance that James will survive this. It wasn't exactly the well-being of everyone that helped Finn come to this decision.
Jim's life comes before almost everything else. Finn doesn't want to hurt him, doesn't want to be the target of such distrust, but he can't just take this decision back. And the longer this goes on, the worse it becomes.
It... feels a little like an ending to Finn. This is sudden and punishing and a failed test of something he thought they built a long time ago. Instead, he has no idea what to say, what to do, to make this be all right again. This is his fault, every amount of pain James feels right now. But he can't do anything else.
At least the fight has left him, but even though he feels desperate to make James feel better, he knows that he can't. ]
I-... I'm sorry...
[ He is, he really is, more than anything, and he knows James won't believe him. Maybe even can't believe him. There's something more at play, Finn's gathered that, but he can't help with it now. ]
[ That definitely would go over a whole lot worse than the rest of this conversation, that's for sure. Back on Tarsus IV, he was also one of the chosen, meant to live, meant to take rations that others needed just as much. It sits sickly in his stomach, to this day. He's no more than everyone else, and he would be repulsed by the thought of being in that position again.
What he has, he will share with everyone. Even if it means going hungry, being weaker, having a harder time down the line. He's not going to take or keep from others here. And he would certainly expect Finn to know him at least well enough to know that he would never accept such a gesture. ]
You'll do what you want.
[ That much has become obvious by now. Jim just can't bring himself to be there to watch it. He sucks in a breath, shaky and shuddered, then shakes his head, going for the door without looking back to Finn, or saying another word. There's no point anymore anyway, is there? ]
[ At this point, Finn's pretty sure that he doesn't know James at all. Not as well as... others, anyway. Talking like this, leaving- Of all the things, he hadn't expected this.
As James walks away, Finn opens his mouth to say... something. That this isn't what he wants to do. That he still wants to be by his side despite this fight. That he loves him. Something. It's not indecision that stops him, though, but the knowledge that he can't make this better. He can't change his mind, he can't reassure James, he can't just suddenly be believed about the impossible... The best thing he can do right now is let James leave.
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no subject
[ The way Jim sees it, he's just delaying the inevitable, in the worst way possible. He may be wrong, of course, but he's not giving himself the time to think that through.
He stares at Finn for a good while, silent seconds that seem to stretch on for too long. ]
I do... trust you. But I can't trust you in this, Finn. Not with how little you know about the Force, and when it's your life that's on the line. I can't— your life is worth too much for that. I'm sorry.
no subject
But James doesn't. And a rational part of Finn knows that... James has no reason to. That doesn't make this hurt less.
It takes him a moment to find the words, to settle his thoughts, because that sounds an awful lot like James doesn't trust him. James can't just say he does and take it back in the same breath. But what's Finn supposed to do? Promise nothing bad will happen? Give in and take the rations from someone else? ]
It's not.
[ Again, the worth of his life, it's the first thing that he feels like he has to rebuke in a quiet, hurt voice. After a beat between them where Finn seems more stunned than anything, he looks down to their hands and gently takes his away before looking back to Jim's eyes. He appears more sure now but the expression's fragile, everything he feels beneath a very thin veil. ]
I won't take something I don't need from someone who does. This will work... I have to do this. I'm sorry.
no subject
Still hurts no less, feeling Finn's hands leave his own, the way he dismisses his own life as though it were worth nothing in comparison to others'. But he also knows that he's causing Finn some hurt by telling him he doesn't trust how capable he is when it comes to using the Force. He just hasn't seen nearly enough to feel confident that Finn would be able to do this, and he just thinks that it's a desperate desire to do good, to help others, that's spurring on this idea, stupid and fueled by blind faith alone. ]
No, you're not.
[ It's not accusatory, just a quiet voice as he turns away physically, lifting a hand to his face. The next words tremble a little out of him, but he refuses to cry out loud. ]
It's just the worth you see your life having. But you're wrong, it's worth more than that. To me, to others. And I can't— I just can't do this, not like this.
[ Not another Tarsus, not another person that starves for the sake of others. His breath comes a little choked, and he gets to his feet before he loses control of his own emotions. ]
Sorry. [ That he can't stay, that he can't support Finn in this. Arguing will change nothing, it will only further upset them both and Jim can't muster the energy for it right now. He also is well aware of how cowardly this is, how wrong it is to turn his back on them simply for a disagreement on what they should do, but it's a point that hits too close to his own past trauma, and he can't overcome that so easily.
Leaving is just the best thing to do, he tells himself. He won't be of any use to the mission if he's just spending all his waking moments worrying over Finn, trying to make him change his mind. ]
no subject
Finn stands just a beat after James, realizing that he's leaving, unsure what he can even do at this point. It's not like James to walk out like this, and that just hurts Finn more.
Was it always so easy to lose him? Could this really be the start of the end? Were they never stronger than this? Why won't James trust him? ]
I won't die like that, James. I wouldn't do this to you.
[ At least his voice is somewhat steady, pulling on what shreds of anger he has rather than show how hurt he is right now, how vulnerable. He feels like he'll shake apart any second. ]
no subject
[ This time, everything bleeds through. The panic, the pain, the frustration of everything, most of all the fact that Finn isn't even aware of how reckless and suicidal he's being. If he's willing to throw his life away right now, like this, then who's to say he won't do the same again on the next crisis? The next mission? The one after that?
Because there are many ways of dealing with this. Many ideas and plans. It's not just Jim who doesn't trust Finn's abilities in this, but Finn also doesn't trust Jim and all the others in the team who could yet find a viable solution. He's just jumping straight into his reckless plan. ]
You're doing this to me right now. So don't tell me you wouldn't. Don't tell me you're not just jumping into it without any proof or certainty that it will work.
[ He chokes down a sob, but a tear falls from his eye anyway, which he wipes away promptly. ]
no subject
Jim sounds just like McCoy, running over his words, ignoring what he says, disbelieving everything he does and the reasons behind them. What can Finn possibly say? James won't believe him no matter what it is. And he can't give in and do as James wants, he can't. Everything in him tells him it's the wrong path. How can he ignore that? ]
How can I tell you? You won't believe me, and I don't know how to make you understand. All I have is the truth and faith, and this--
[ The steadiness falters, his anger failing him in the face of this pain. Tears come to his own eyes, and he ignores them, voice wavering despite himself. ]
What you said to me- I don't take how you feel lightly, and I can't promise that something bad won't happen, but it won't be because of this. I won't let it.
Please, James, I would not do this to you.
no subject
So he doesn't say it. He just covers his face and turns away again, entirely unsure how to handle this without making it worse. ]
I can't. I can't, Finn, I'm sorry. Not about this, I can't handle this.
[ He feels cowardly, horrible; he's not ending anything, he doesn't want to end anything, but he's too overwhelmed by all of this to handle anything, even though he should. He absolutely should be here for Finn, whether or not he agrees with him, but he just can't manage that right now. ]
no subject
Jim's life comes before almost everything else. Finn doesn't want to hurt him, doesn't want to be the target of such distrust, but he can't just take this decision back. And the longer this goes on, the worse it becomes.
It... feels a little like an ending to Finn. This is sudden and punishing and a failed test of something he thought they built a long time ago. Instead, he has no idea what to say, what to do, to make this be all right again. This is his fault, every amount of pain James feels right now. But he can't do anything else.
At least the fight has left him, but even though he feels desperate to make James feel better, he knows that he can't. ]
I-... I'm sorry...
[ He is, he really is, more than anything, and he knows James won't believe him. Maybe even can't believe him. There's something more at play, Finn's gathered that, but he can't help with it now. ]
no subject
What he has, he will share with everyone. Even if it means going hungry, being weaker, having a harder time down the line. He's not going to take or keep from others here. And he would certainly expect Finn to know him at least well enough to know that he would never accept such a gesture. ]
You'll do what you want.
[ That much has become obvious by now. Jim just can't bring himself to be there to watch it. He sucks in a breath, shaky and shuddered, then shakes his head, going for the door without looking back to Finn, or saying another word. There's no point anymore anyway, is there? ]
no subject
As James walks away, Finn opens his mouth to say... something. That this isn't what he wants to do. That he still wants to be by his side despite this fight. That he loves him. Something. It's not indecision that stops him, though, but the knowledge that he can't make this better. He can't change his mind, he can't reassure James, he can't just suddenly be believed about the impossible... The best thing he can do right now is let James leave.
So... he does. ]