Yes. [ Like, obviously. Of course, it does. ] It gives us an idea of how powerful the Augur is, too, how easily it's willing to manipulate people. Play with their heads.
Every planet like this has some higher power. Something like the Augur that sees us as tools or play things. [ He's looking out the window while he thinks back on it, remembers The Cloud of Darkness and King Majestas, and winces a little. ] I guess I'm not used to them being so... benevolent. It's not usually something so good.
[ Which is no excuse for his guard to be down. Then again, it's not. He's still just as paranoid, part of his mind seeing the last week as an intel grab on a potential enemy. The rest of him is kind of just grateful for the experience.
But seeing how James appears to be taking it, his idea of gratefulness is beginning to run in the opposite direction. ]
[ Jim can't help the short chuckle that leaves him when Finn uses those words to characterize what happened. It doesn't really surprise him, and he doesn't think it's bad that Finn thought of it as a good memory. Jim certainly remembers being happy too, and he can still feel it in his heart, lingering on his mind. He doesn't know that he'll be able to express to Finn exactly what bothered him about it all, not without confronting feelings he wasn't yet ready to face.
Not that the Augur gave a shit about what he was ready to face or not. ]
Not sure I'd call it good. Robbing us of our own choices, or the chance for us to experience something by ourselves for the first time.
[ He lets out a soft groan, rubbing over his face with his hands. ]
I'm sorry. Maybe I'm overthinking all of this. I mean, I was happy, I just... I need some time. For me, that was... a lot. It was a lot.
[ As soon as James voices his doubts, Finn's heart plummets. Then he immediately feels guilty for feeling bad that James hadn't wanted that. He shouldn't have felt good in the first place.
But before he really gets on a roll, he makes himself listen and understand. The Augur did rob them of choice and free will. Finn just thought that it didn't really happen that way because, deep down, it's what he wanted. To know now that James had been forced makes it... far less of a dream. And what does it say about Finn, to have wanted and loved it so much?
James was happy. There's probably some comfort there. But Finn had wanted something that was a lot- too much for him. And now that James knew-
Finn pushes all of that away for now. He can crawl into a corner and have a little panic some other time. Right now, he makes himself look at the bigger picture and what he believes may be James' point of view. After a beat of silence, he leans forward and presses another kiss to his hair. ]
I don't think you can overthink something like this. But what happened- [ If part of the problem was, indeed, what happened instead of how it happened. ] It wasn't real.
[ Weirdly, saying it aloud hurts. Another thing to think about later. ]
[ Honestly, he figured Finn would be happy about the whole experience, and it never crossed his mind to be mad or upset about that. Finn's never made him feel pressured about their relationship, and that's as true now as it has always been, even with these new experiences, these new memories shoved into their heads.
So no, he doesn't want Finn to feel bad about his happiness. About wanting more, or wanting— that. Being married. The thought is so foreign, so distant to him, he can't even process it right.
But what Finn says isn't what he wants to hear, and if he sounds a little defensive when he speaks— well, that's because he is. ]
I didn't say that.
[ He turns to Finn, reaching out to take his hand, but the touch doesn't feel like it's enough. He doesn't feel like he's enough, and he wonders why Finn is still even here in the first place. ]
[ If the look on his face is anything to go by, the sudden defense surprises Finn a little. The last week hadn't been real, even if the emotions they shared during it were. Or, they were for Finn. From the way James sounded, the last week had him feeling a false sense of happiness for things he never wanted, things he'd been forced into.
But Finn, obviously, doesn't know where the line is. Not to mention his habit of assuming the worst. It just feels wrong to assume anything less.
The defensive tone is more comforting than James can know, though, even if Finn's still feeling pretty terrible about the whole thing. He already felt like what he was too much for this, confessing his love so early and things like that. Finn can think of about a dozen people off the top of his head who would argue that he doesn't even know what love is. All he knows is what he feels, and he's felt the wrong things before. He just never meant to overwhelm and yet-...
Now, the question of why James was still even here seemed like a far more difficult thing to answer.
But the comfort helps. Finn gives a little smile and glances to the floor, squeezing Jim's hand before looking back to him again. ]
I know. I didn't say it wasn't. [ If only he knew what that was. ] Just, the last week, what the Augur made us believe-...
[ Finn pauses and takes a deep breath, cutting away the thought to lift Jim's hand and kiss at his knuckles instead. ] It's only as real as we make it. Right?
[ For the first time in... actually, always, Jim feels like they're not on the same wavelength. He feels a distance between them, something he can't really quantify, and he feels useless and guilty, knowing that it's mostly his own cowardice stopping him from closing that distance.
But at least Finn isn't leaving. He's still smiling at him, hasn't brushed off the touch of his hand, and despite all the thoughts warring in his mind right now, when it comes down to it, it's Finn's presence that comforts him the most.
He's not really sure what to make of the last words, or exactly what Finn means by them, but he doesn't ask. Instead he shifts so he's sitting with his legs down, making enough room for Finn to sit beside him. ]
[ Finn feels the distance, too. He used to think they were rarely on the same page but this is out of his reach entirely. This is something he doesn't know how to help with, is pretty sure that he can't help with considering who he is and what he feels. It hurts to think that he can't do anything.
But instead of trying to shorten the distance (since he doesn't know where to begin and could probably just make it worse), he sits. He wraps his other arm around Jim's, holding their hands close to him, and rests his head against his shoulder. Touch feels like all he can really provide. And he'd like to say that he'd sit here forever if James wanted him to, but maybe asking for just a little while is more for Jim's comfort than his own...
What he had meant was that none of the last week could be real or all of it could. That it was entirely James' decision on where the line was placed, that it could be as real as he wanted it to be, and Finn would be happy. He never really thought on whether or not James had loved him before, but he knew that he cared and that had been enough. Then to hear the words and later come to believe it hadn't been... that - it hurts.
He doesn't need marriage, tells himself he doesn't need the emotions involved, but he does need for James to be okay and nearby. Now it's beginning to feel like those two are no longer mutually exclusive.
But maybe they're both thinking too much about this. Shouldn't he be focusing more on the brainwashing part, anyway? ]
[ Nothing is quite so simple as saying whether or not he would want something as what they had in that shared dream. Illusion or not, it felt real, and Jim has a feeling it won't stop feeling real anytime soon.
So when he says it's too much, that's what he means. It's too much at once, too overwhelming, and it feels like he was forced to skip several steps ahead. He didn't even manage to gather the courage to confess his real feelings for Finn, and then... this.
He feels such an amount of relief when Finn sits with him, though. His whole body relaxes with a sigh, and he leans into him, head dipping until his cheek is pressing against Finn's temple, his arm cupping Finn's cheek and stroking it. It's good. It's perfect and undemanding, sweet and comforting. ]
I know. [ Words can't really express how grateful he is for it, but he tries anyway. ] Thank you.
[ Most of the tension leaves Finn when he realizes that James isn't uncomfortable with his presence, that it's the opposite if anything. There's nothing to say, nothing he knows that can help, not to mention that he finds himself truly hesitant to tell James that he loves him for the first time in a while.
So he just closes his eyes and tries to commit this to memory, too. Especially since he's pretty sure he's about to lose it. He makes no attempt to move, content to stay until James shoves him off. ]
[ Quiet isn't a problem. Quiet is really good, actually, and it's a greater comfort than Finn can possibly imagine. So he sits there too, quiet and still, holding onto Finn while being held by him in return. The light from the rising sun slowly pours in through the window, and the flat around them becomes all the clearer until eventually they have no other option but to... you know, move. Start their day, and stuff.
Jim tries his best to dispel any tension, still dragging Finn out for a morning jog, making them some simple breakfast, tidying the house together. But things feel awkward, and along with his own distant silence so too comes Finn's silence, and he can't help but see it as his fault, his own flaw. Days going by don't help, things don't really improve much over time, and more and more Jim realizes he needs to do something, say something, before it all falls apart around him, and Finn slips right between his fingers.
Any day now, he realizes; any minute, he'll get tired of this silence. It already feels like he's tired, with the way they barely speak, and even when he's holding him it doesn't feel like he's quite there anymore.
Jim was determined to sort it out on his own, but in the end it's a talk with Peter that kicks him into gear. Or at the very least helps him see that there's no point in letting things drag on like this. No other outcome can be worse than losing Finn little by little in this way.
It's a little late in the day, getting dark outside but not yet dinner time, when Finn gets to the flat, and Jim practically leaps to his feet from where he was sitting on the couch. He's... been waiting there for a while now, waiting for him, if the half-empty bottle of liquor is anything to go by. ]
[ It's been tearing Finn apart. Knowing that he can't help James, knowing that he's partly the source of the problem. He would remove himself from the situation entirely but he's too weak to let go. Besides, he promised a certain someone a long time ago that he would no longer assume he wasn't wanted. In this case, though, it feels like more than an assumption.
Things don't magically fix themselves, and Finn stops actively trying to get James to talk to him after a couple of days. He'd say something when he was ready. But as more time passed, things just felt like they were getting worse. Getting quieter, certainly. Finn got quieter, too.
But James still kept coming home and he'd never brush his touch away. Every moment felt like their last again, and Finn began to realize just how comfortable he'd become on this planet. Like he'd expected this to last forever. That's probably a result of not thinking about the inevitable.
The harder things became, the more Finn wanted a drink. He tried hard to not fall back into that spiral again, though, especially not when James may need him.
But he'd be lying if he said he didn't expect this. Something had to give eventually. Finn looked from James to the bottle and had a pretty vivid idea of where this was heading. It was going to hurt them both, he knew, and it crossed his mind to make it easier on James. Just tell him he knew, he understood, and just... leave.
At the same time, he knew that whatever James wanted to say was something that needed to be said. ]
Yeah... Okay.
[ Talk. He could do that much for him. Finn walked forward and reached out just a little, just enough to brush against his sleeve, if it was allowed. It would be a disservice to ask what this was about. ]
[ Funny that they both have been worrying about the same thing; about coming home to find the other gone, even when Jim knows Finn wouldn't just do that to him. And then he berates himself for taking Finn for granted like that, just assuming he can take as long as he wants and he'll just be there, waiting for him.
At least that fear of losing him and pushing him away drives him into doing something, stop being a fucking coward about this. He doesn't even have a good reason to be doing this, honestly. He was just so irrationally scared of how serious they were getting, but at this point it's just getting ridiculous.
And in the process, he's hurting Finn. So no, not ideal. ]
Yeah. I'm fine, yes.
[ He manages to smile at Finn, resting a hand over his, giving it a squeeze. He urges him to sit on the couch with him, shifting a little awkwardly. ]
And you? Are you... I mean, I know I've been a little— [ He pauses. ] Distant. Not the most fun thing to deal with, I'm aware.
[ Finn would wait forever for him... so long as James wanted him to. If he wanted him to just vanish, take himself and his intense emotions somewhere else, that's a different story. But Finn resolves to himself that he has to hear it before doing something like that. He has to give James the chance to say it.
And, wow, Jim's not a good liar.
Finn squeezes his hand back as they sit, biting his lip. Waiting's the hardest part, even if he wants the end to never come. Besides, he's distracted from the wait by what James says. Not fun to deal with. Really? His shoulders sag. ]
I'm fine. [ Clearly. He does grow a tiny smile, though. ] And I'm not here just because you're fun.
[ If he wasn't so sure that he was the cause of Jim's pain, he would never consider leaving. He's here. But, also, that probably wasn't the best thing to say to someone who's about to break up with you because you're too invested. Finn doesn't have much experience in all this. Maybe lightening the mood a little isn't a terrible thing, though. ]
[ Admittedly, Jim was trying to lighten the mood, but not because he was about to break up with Finn. That would've been just cruel of him, really, just like telling him he's 'fine' or holding his hand just before ending things. He thinks it's fairly obvious that he's not about to put an end to their relationship, which is why he doesn't worry even for a moment that that's what Finn's thinking is happening here. ]
I know. But still, it's been a tough week. For me, but you've had to deal with me, so— for us both.
[ He takes a slow breath, trying to split his thoughts into sections so he knows where to start. ]
And I know I haven't been very clear about it, or haven't explained very well why that whole honeymoon dream upset me so much. You know, I've told you, I've never been in a relationship like this. I've never really sought anything too serious, never really wanted to, and as my career grew and I became more focused on my work, the less I though that anything like this was... for me.
[ Tracking back a little; not gonna go down that rabbit hole there. ] Anyway, I lack— some experience, and I have always been a little afraid of commitment, admittedly. And things have been great between us, really, but I feel like we've talked seriously about it only once, at the beginning, and then it's just all been amazing, but also incredibly intense, and before we even talked about more serious stuff, suddenly we wake up and we're married. And I was robbed, I feel like I was robbed of all the talks, all the compromises, all the experiences that would lead us up to that. I was robbed of my right to tell you that—
[ He sucks in a breath, lets it out, and can almost swear his heart spills out with it. Okay. Okay, damn it, Kirk. ]
That I love you. My right to make it into something big and special because it is, for me, even if that's probably stupid. Instead I said it like I'd said it a thousand times before.
[ Which isn't to say it was any less true, or that he wouldn't have meant it a thousand times before, but it was just— there. Nothing special about it. ]
[ At first, Finn tilts his head to the side, ready to refute this whole having to deal with James notion. This isn't some sort of obligation and it sure as hell isn't a burden. But before he can say anything, James has begun to speak and Finn doesn't want to interrupt this.
He remains so sure of what's going to happen right up until James talks about being robbed of the events that they skipped before this fake marriage. The notion only manages to confuse him.
So it takes him a second while he's listening, trying to understand, before he realizes what was said. The rest- He doesn't register the rest just yet. He barely realizes that James has stopped speaking, and the words are still having some trouble getting through. Needless to say, there's a long measure of silence for a moment while he just stares back in surprise. ]
... You love me?
[ That- It's the last thing he expected. And to hear that James had been upset because the confession hadn't been special- How could it ever be anything but?
He doesn't know what to do for a long moment. Thinking about their past together, what they share now- After so long of disbelief, it doesn't feel real to hear. But he did. He just heard it.
Finn turns fully to face him, still having no idea what to do. Hell, because of everything going on, it's been days since he said it. ]
[ That long pause actually doesn't help much at all. It gives Jim more time to panic, even if realistically he knows one week of awkward silence isn't enough for Finn to stop loving him. Shouldn't be enough, at least. but maybe he really was getting ready to pull from this.
Hell, maybe he already was doing it, to some degree. ]
I do. But I've been so afraid of saying it out loud, kept putting it off just because I'm scared or because I don't feel like this was really the kind of thing I'm good at, and now—
I don't know, [ He lets out a noise, something like a strangled breath. ] Now I wonder if I've just pushed you away with this whole mess. We have barely talked in a week, you haven't told me you love me in a week, and I'm starting to think I'm losing you.
[ He rests his hands over his face a moment later, when that realization hits him and he almost starts crying. Almost. ]
[ Finally, finally, Finn realizes what's happening. What direction his next words would have gone in is anyone's guess, because everything else leaves him when he sees how badly James had been hurt. By him. By his silence and his distance.
Before he can actually think about what he's going to do, Finn's already reacting. He kneels on the couch, pushes Jim's hands away and cups his face as he pulls him into a kiss. It's deep and passionate and meant to show everything he feels right now, not one of those he attempts not to smile through.
He cannot be the reason James cries again. He cannot hurt him again.
When he pulls away, breathing hard, there's no 'almost' for Finn. He is crying. His teeth clench for a second like he's wincing, a thumb making a circle beneath Jim's eye. A strong part of him wants to try to use the Force, to put this somewhere deep in James' very soul so a piece of him will know forever. ]
I will always love you. Always. There's nothing in this universe that will ever make me stop loving you.
[ Even if he forgot everything, which... is unlikely at this stage. Still, any of those days could have been their last and they spent them in silence. In uncertainty. He'll never let that happen again. He'll make sure James always knows, even if it's scary to say.
But then he winces again, for real this time, trying to keep back a stronger wave of tears. He's been holding it back for days now, anyway. ]
[ Well, he's not about to protest being kissed, even if the move is sudden and surprising. His eyes widen as Finn pulls his hands away, but he soon returns the press of lips against his own, reaching out to grip at Finn's shirt tightly, feeling the moisture of tears but not quite processing where it's coming from until the kiss breaks and he gets a good look at Finn's face. ]
Finn...
[ Happy though he is to hear that, and he is immensely so, the sight of the tears washing down Finn's face gets a worried look from him, even if he's fairly sure they're tears of happiness. He reaches up anyway to wipe at them, though he ends up making even more of a mess than anything. ]
What? [ He lets out a short, incredulous laugh, eyebrows knitting together. ] Why would I still be here if I didn't want that?
[ He would've just left, or at the very least moved out, not come back home to Finn every single day, or shared the bed with him, even if they spent the whole week mostly in silence.
But this is when he realizes the implication of what Finn's saying, and exactly what he thought was going to happen during this conversation. That awareness is clear in the shift in his expression, hands stilling where they're cupping Finn's face. ]
[ At first, he just shook his head since he could only guess as to why James was still there. Because he was trying to make up his mind, is what Finn had thought. Because, even if the answer was obvious, it was still a difficult decision. But maybe that's giving himself too much. Maybe the decision wouldn't have been difficult at all.
It didn't even feel over yet, though. There just felt like something else coming. 'What we have is amazing but-' 'I love you, too, but-' He would have understood. But the possibility doesn't actually leave him until James stills and asks that.
Now he feels a little stupid, a lot selfish, and the need to explain appears. But how does he explain this when James seems to be surprised that Finn thought this at all? It felt so... obvious. Like, he has a list of reasons why. He tries to just break it down to the simplest form. ]
I always want too much.
[ And that's more than likely still true, but it's not the overall topic here. James loves him. How is he supposed to- It's so hard not to ask if he's sure or not. He knows this can't be any less than frustrating. ]
[ No, there are no buts, no stipulations, nothing but what he's saying, no hidden meaning behind any of his words. He loves him. What they have is amazing. That's it.
He is admittedly a little surprised that Finn would think that he was breaking things up, though maybe he shouldn't be, knowing what he does about Finn. He isn't upset about it, though. He finds it almost... funny, in a strange, stupid way. He can't quite keep back a smile at the words Finn chooses to explain it. ]
Finn... you never want too much.
[ He shifts closer, still cupping his face in his hands, stroking his cheeks. ]
You're caring, and kind, and absolutely undemanding. You've never forced me or pressured me into anything, you were never too much. Well— [ He tilts his head, then adds with a wider smile. ] Maybe in good ways, on occasion.
[ His eyes get softer the longer James talks. It's a little hard to believe (all of this is) but hearing it still warms him to his core. When James finishes, though, Finn gives a watery laugh and is actually smiling. He does tend to be a little intense sometimes... ]
I love you so much.
[ He leans forward and manages to kiss him on the cheek twice before he has James wrapped in a hug, his head tucked into his neck. ]
[ Jim isn't in the habit of lying, definitely not to the people he cares about, so Finn can definitely believe what he's telling him, whether or not it seems surreal to him. He means every word he's said so far.
Jim lets out a soft laugh when Finn kisses his cheek, once and then again, letting out a deep breath with that hug. It feels like an insurmountable weight has been lifted off of him, with something so simple as this. Something so... soft, sweet, uncomplicated.
He feels like an idiot now, he really doesn't know why he was so scared about this. ]
I'll hold you to it, [ He murmurs against Finn's shoulder, then lifts his head up just enough that Finn can hear him more clearly. ] I love you, too.
[ Finn gives another laugh, another huff of breath against Jim's skin, for hearing that again. It's so unbelievable, especially considering what he thought the world looked like not five minutes ago. A hand finds the back of James' head to hold him close, but he has no idea how to show the emotions he's got right now.
Well, one idea.
He tilts his head until his forehead is against James' temple and he reaches out. His own mental state is probably a little overwhelming right now, so he doesn't press or even attempt to invade. All he does is brush his thoughts against James' and tries to relay a little of how he feels. All of his gratefulness and fears and love - so much love - with an unbridled happiness and sense of belonging he's never felt before.
It's there for a beat and begins to wash away just as quickly as it appeared, not wanting to intrude or cause harm, but he lets out his own deep breath in the knowledge that everything's okay. That everything's perfect. ]
[ Jim feels Finn's mind reaching out to his own the instant it happens. Warm, familiar, comforting, and he lets himself relax into it without thought, sinking into those sensations without an ounce of reticence, or resistance.
If there's one thing he minds, it's that Finn pulls back almost as quickly as he reaches out, and he instantly closes that distance himself, at least to the best of his ability considering he doesn't have any unique powers nor is he Force sensitive. That he knows, anyway.
But he does open his mind, he thinks as loud as he can that he wants Finn to stay in there, to linger. Don't go, don't go, like he doesn't want Finn to hold back his feelings from him, least of all now. He wants to see and feel them all, just like he wants Finn to sense the feelings he has for him in return, how real and strong they are. ]
[ It catches his breath, that feeling of being wanted so badly, James' voice echoing back into his mind. He can feel him reaching, incapable of pulling them back together, but reaching with something close to desperation all the same. And he can feel that James doesn't want Finn to hide what he feels, overwhelming or no. James wants everything.
A quiet sob escapes him before he quickly brings them together again, nearly like a mental hug. It's so easy to get lost in it and, for once, Finn doesn't care. He quickly, easily, happily gets lost in James, bringing all of his love with him. His love, protectiveness, fears, pain, thankfulness-
Finn's far more concerned with what James feels. If it's love, he doesn't know, but it's the same thing he feels for James in return. It's strong and warm and safe and just as overwhelming as his. A large part of him is shocked by the strength before a sudden feeling of undeserving spikes, quickly washed away by happiness again. It's like a drive to do better, to be better, and keep this close between them for as long as possible.
He basks in the soft supernova that is James, trying to be gentle, trying to show the depths of his love and trust, opening his own mind for him if he wants it. Even the parts he would rather hide, he offers James all of himself. ]
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no subject
Every planet like this has some higher power. Something like the Augur that sees us as tools or play things. [ He's looking out the window while he thinks back on it, remembers The Cloud of Darkness and King Majestas, and winces a little. ] I guess I'm not used to them being so... benevolent. It's not usually something so good.
[ Which is no excuse for his guard to be down. Then again, it's not. He's still just as paranoid, part of his mind seeing the last week as an intel grab on a potential enemy. The rest of him is kind of just grateful for the experience.
But seeing how James appears to be taking it, his idea of gratefulness is beginning to run in the opposite direction. ]
no subject
Not that the Augur gave a shit about what he was ready to face or not. ]
Not sure I'd call it good. Robbing us of our own choices, or the chance for us to experience something by ourselves for the first time.
[ He lets out a soft groan, rubbing over his face with his hands. ]
I'm sorry. Maybe I'm overthinking all of this. I mean, I was happy, I just... I need some time. For me, that was... a lot. It was a lot.
no subject
But before he really gets on a roll, he makes himself listen and understand. The Augur did rob them of choice and free will. Finn just thought that it didn't really happen that way because, deep down, it's what he wanted. To know now that James had been forced makes it... far less of a dream. And what does it say about Finn, to have wanted and loved it so much?
James was happy. There's probably some comfort there. But Finn had wanted something that was a lot- too much for him. And now that James knew-
Finn pushes all of that away for now. He can crawl into a corner and have a little panic some other time. Right now, he makes himself look at the bigger picture and what he believes may be James' point of view. After a beat of silence, he leans forward and presses another kiss to his hair. ]
I don't think you can overthink something like this. But what happened- [ If part of the problem was, indeed, what happened instead of how it happened. ] It wasn't real.
[ Weirdly, saying it aloud hurts. Another thing to think about later. ]
no subject
So no, he doesn't want Finn to feel bad about his happiness. About wanting more, or wanting— that. Being married. The thought is so foreign, so distant to him, he can't even process it right.
But what Finn says isn't what he wants to hear, and if he sounds a little defensive when he speaks— well, that's because he is. ]
I didn't say that.
[ He turns to Finn, reaching out to take his hand, but the touch doesn't feel like it's enough. He doesn't feel like he's enough, and he wonders why Finn is still even here in the first place. ]
What we have is real.
no subject
But Finn, obviously, doesn't know where the line is. Not to mention his habit of assuming the worst. It just feels wrong to assume anything less.
The defensive tone is more comforting than James can know, though, even if Finn's still feeling pretty terrible about the whole thing. He already felt like what he was too much for this, confessing his love so early and things like that. Finn can think of about a dozen people off the top of his head who would argue that he doesn't even know what love is. All he knows is what he feels, and he's felt the wrong things before. He just never meant to overwhelm and yet-...
Now, the question of why James was still even here seemed like a far more difficult thing to answer.
But the comfort helps. Finn gives a little smile and glances to the floor, squeezing Jim's hand before looking back to him again. ]
I know. I didn't say it wasn't. [ If only he knew what that was. ] Just, the last week, what the Augur made us believe-...
[ Finn pauses and takes a deep breath, cutting away the thought to lift Jim's hand and kiss at his knuckles instead. ] It's only as real as we make it. Right?
no subject
But at least Finn isn't leaving. He's still smiling at him, hasn't brushed off the touch of his hand, and despite all the thoughts warring in his mind right now, when it comes down to it, it's Finn's presence that comforts him the most.
He's not really sure what to make of the last words, or exactly what Finn means by them, but he doesn't ask. Instead he shifts so he's sitting with his legs down, making enough room for Finn to sit beside him. ]
Sit with me, for just a little while?
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But instead of trying to shorten the distance (since he doesn't know where to begin and could probably just make it worse), he sits. He wraps his other arm around Jim's, holding their hands close to him, and rests his head against his shoulder. Touch feels like all he can really provide. And he'd like to say that he'd sit here forever if James wanted him to, but maybe asking for just a little while is more for Jim's comfort than his own...
What he had meant was that none of the last week could be real or all of it could. That it was entirely James' decision on where the line was placed, that it could be as real as he wanted it to be, and Finn would be happy. He never really thought on whether or not James had loved him before, but he knew that he cared and that had been enough. Then to hear the words and later come to believe it hadn't been... that - it hurts.
He doesn't need marriage, tells himself he doesn't need the emotions involved, but he does need for James to be okay and nearby. Now it's beginning to feel like those two are no longer mutually exclusive.
But maybe they're both thinking too much about this. Shouldn't he be focusing more on the brainwashing part, anyway? ]
Whatever you need, I'm here.
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So when he says it's too much, that's what he means. It's too much at once, too overwhelming, and it feels like he was forced to skip several steps ahead. He didn't even manage to gather the courage to confess his real feelings for Finn, and then... this.
He feels such an amount of relief when Finn sits with him, though. His whole body relaxes with a sigh, and he leans into him, head dipping until his cheek is pressing against Finn's temple, his arm cupping Finn's cheek and stroking it. It's good. It's perfect and undemanding, sweet and comforting. ]
I know. [ Words can't really express how grateful he is for it, but he tries anyway. ] Thank you.
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So he just closes his eyes and tries to commit this to memory, too. Especially since he's pretty sure he's about to lose it. He makes no attempt to move, content to stay until James shoves him off. ]
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Jim tries his best to dispel any tension, still dragging Finn out for a morning jog, making them some simple breakfast, tidying the house together. But things feel awkward, and along with his own distant silence so too comes Finn's silence, and he can't help but see it as his fault, his own flaw. Days going by don't help, things don't really improve much over time, and more and more Jim realizes he needs to do something, say something, before it all falls apart around him, and Finn slips right between his fingers.
Any day now, he realizes; any minute, he'll get tired of this silence. It already feels like he's tired, with the way they barely speak, and even when he's holding him it doesn't feel like he's quite there anymore.
Jim was determined to sort it out on his own, but in the end it's a talk with Peter that kicks him into gear. Or at the very least helps him see that there's no point in letting things drag on like this. No other outcome can be worse than losing Finn little by little in this way.
It's a little late in the day, getting dark outside but not yet dinner time, when Finn gets to the flat, and Jim practically leaps to his feet from where he was sitting on the couch. He's... been waiting there for a while now, waiting for him, if the half-empty bottle of liquor is anything to go by. ]
Hi. We, uh... we should talk.
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Things don't magically fix themselves, and Finn stops actively trying to get James to talk to him after a couple of days. He'd say something when he was ready. But as more time passed, things just felt like they were getting worse. Getting quieter, certainly. Finn got quieter, too.
But James still kept coming home and he'd never brush his touch away. Every moment felt like their last again, and Finn began to realize just how comfortable he'd become on this planet. Like he'd expected this to last forever. That's probably a result of not thinking about the inevitable.
The harder things became, the more Finn wanted a drink. He tried hard to not fall back into that spiral again, though, especially not when James may need him.
But he'd be lying if he said he didn't expect this. Something had to give eventually. Finn looked from James to the bottle and had a pretty vivid idea of where this was heading. It was going to hurt them both, he knew, and it crossed his mind to make it easier on James. Just tell him he knew, he understood, and just... leave.
At the same time, he knew that whatever James wanted to say was something that needed to be said. ]
Yeah... Okay.
[ Talk. He could do that much for him. Finn walked forward and reached out just a little, just enough to brush against his sleeve, if it was allowed. It would be a disservice to ask what this was about. ]
Are you all right?
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At least that fear of losing him and pushing him away drives him into doing something, stop being a fucking coward about this. He doesn't even have a good reason to be doing this, honestly. He was just so irrationally scared of how serious they were getting, but at this point it's just getting ridiculous.
And in the process, he's hurting Finn. So no, not ideal. ]
Yeah. I'm fine, yes.
[ He manages to smile at Finn, resting a hand over his, giving it a squeeze. He urges him to sit on the couch with him, shifting a little awkwardly. ]
And you? Are you... I mean, I know I've been a little— [ He pauses. ] Distant. Not the most fun thing to deal with, I'm aware.
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And, wow, Jim's not a good liar.
Finn squeezes his hand back as they sit, biting his lip. Waiting's the hardest part, even if he wants the end to never come. Besides, he's distracted from the wait by what James says. Not fun to deal with. Really? His shoulders sag. ]
I'm fine. [ Clearly. He does grow a tiny smile, though. ] And I'm not here just because you're fun.
[ If he wasn't so sure that he was the cause of Jim's pain, he would never consider leaving. He's here. But, also, that probably wasn't the best thing to say to someone who's about to break up with you because you're too invested. Finn doesn't have much experience in all this. Maybe lightening the mood a little isn't a terrible thing, though. ]
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I know. But still, it's been a tough week. For me, but you've had to deal with me, so— for us both.
[ He takes a slow breath, trying to split his thoughts into sections so he knows where to start. ]
And I know I haven't been very clear about it, or haven't explained very well why that whole honeymoon dream upset me so much. You know, I've told you, I've never been in a relationship like this. I've never really sought anything too serious, never really wanted to, and as my career grew and I became more focused on my work, the less I though that anything like this was... for me.
[ Tracking back a little; not gonna go down that rabbit hole there. ] Anyway, I lack— some experience, and I have always been a little afraid of commitment, admittedly. And things have been great between us, really, but I feel like we've talked seriously about it only once, at the beginning, and then it's just all been amazing, but also incredibly intense, and before we even talked about more serious stuff, suddenly we wake up and we're married. And I was robbed, I feel like I was robbed of all the talks, all the compromises, all the experiences that would lead us up to that. I was robbed of my right to tell you that—
[ He sucks in a breath, lets it out, and can almost swear his heart spills out with it. Okay. Okay, damn it, Kirk. ]
That I love you. My right to make it into something big and special because it is, for me, even if that's probably stupid. Instead I said it like I'd said it a thousand times before.
[ Which isn't to say it was any less true, or that he wouldn't have meant it a thousand times before, but it was just— there. Nothing special about it. ]
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He remains so sure of what's going to happen right up until James talks about being robbed of the events that they skipped before this fake marriage. The notion only manages to confuse him.
So it takes him a second while he's listening, trying to understand, before he realizes what was said. The rest- He doesn't register the rest just yet. He barely realizes that James has stopped speaking, and the words are still having some trouble getting through. Needless to say, there's a long measure of silence for a moment while he just stares back in surprise. ]
... You love me?
[ That- It's the last thing he expected. And to hear that James had been upset because the confession hadn't been special- How could it ever be anything but?
He doesn't know what to do for a long moment. Thinking about their past together, what they share now- After so long of disbelief, it doesn't feel real to hear. But he did. He just heard it.
Finn turns fully to face him, still having no idea what to do. Hell, because of everything going on, it's been days since he said it. ]
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Hell, maybe he already was doing it, to some degree. ]
I do. But I've been so afraid of saying it out loud, kept putting it off just because I'm scared or because I don't feel like this was really the kind of thing I'm good at, and now—
I don't know, [ He lets out a noise, something like a strangled breath. ] Now I wonder if I've just pushed you away with this whole mess. We have barely talked in a week, you haven't told me you love me in a week, and I'm starting to think I'm losing you.
[ He rests his hands over his face a moment later, when that realization hits him and he almost starts crying. Almost. ]
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Before he can actually think about what he's going to do, Finn's already reacting. He kneels on the couch, pushes Jim's hands away and cups his face as he pulls him into a kiss. It's deep and passionate and meant to show everything he feels right now, not one of those he attempts not to smile through.
He cannot be the reason James cries again. He cannot hurt him again.
When he pulls away, breathing hard, there's no 'almost' for Finn. He is crying. His teeth clench for a second like he's wincing, a thumb making a circle beneath Jim's eye. A strong part of him wants to try to use the Force, to put this somewhere deep in James' very soul so a piece of him will know forever. ]
I will always love you. Always. There's nothing in this universe that will ever make me stop loving you.
[ Even if he forgot everything, which... is unlikely at this stage. Still, any of those days could have been their last and they spent them in silence. In uncertainty. He'll never let that happen again. He'll make sure James always knows, even if it's scary to say.
But then he winces again, for real this time, trying to keep back a stronger wave of tears. He's been holding it back for days now, anyway. ]
I- I thought you didn't want that anymore.
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Finn...
[ Happy though he is to hear that, and he is immensely so, the sight of the tears washing down Finn's face gets a worried look from him, even if he's fairly sure they're tears of happiness. He reaches up anyway to wipe at them, though he ends up making even more of a mess than anything. ]
What? [ He lets out a short, incredulous laugh, eyebrows knitting together. ] Why would I still be here if I didn't want that?
[ He would've just left, or at the very least moved out, not come back home to Finn every single day, or shared the bed with him, even if they spent the whole week mostly in silence.
But this is when he realizes the implication of what Finn's saying, and exactly what he thought was going to happen during this conversation. That awareness is clear in the shift in his expression, hands stilling where they're cupping Finn's face. ]
You thought I was breaking up with you?
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It didn't even feel over yet, though. There just felt like something else coming. 'What we have is amazing but-' 'I love you, too, but-' He would have understood. But the possibility doesn't actually leave him until James stills and asks that.
Now he feels a little stupid, a lot selfish, and the need to explain appears. But how does he explain this when James seems to be surprised that Finn thought this at all? It felt so... obvious. Like, he has a list of reasons why. He tries to just break it down to the simplest form. ]
I always want too much.
[ And that's more than likely still true, but it's not the overall topic here. James loves him. How is he supposed to- It's so hard not to ask if he's sure or not. He knows this can't be any less than frustrating. ]
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He is admittedly a little surprised that Finn would think that he was breaking things up, though maybe he shouldn't be, knowing what he does about Finn. He isn't upset about it, though. He finds it almost... funny, in a strange, stupid way. He can't quite keep back a smile at the words Finn chooses to explain it. ]
Finn... you never want too much.
[ He shifts closer, still cupping his face in his hands, stroking his cheeks. ]
You're caring, and kind, and absolutely undemanding. You've never forced me or pressured me into anything, you were never too much. Well— [ He tilts his head, then adds with a wider smile. ] Maybe in good ways, on occasion.
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I love you so much.
[ He leans forward and manages to kiss him on the cheek twice before he has James wrapped in a hug, his head tucked into his neck. ]
I'll tell you every day, I promise.
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Jim lets out a soft laugh when Finn kisses his cheek, once and then again, letting out a deep breath with that hug. It feels like an insurmountable weight has been lifted off of him, with something so simple as this. Something so... soft, sweet, uncomplicated.
He feels like an idiot now, he really doesn't know why he was so scared about this. ]
I'll hold you to it, [ He murmurs against Finn's shoulder, then lifts his head up just enough that Finn can hear him more clearly. ] I love you, too.
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Well, one idea.
He tilts his head until his forehead is against James' temple and he reaches out. His own mental state is probably a little overwhelming right now, so he doesn't press or even attempt to invade. All he does is brush his thoughts against James' and tries to relay a little of how he feels. All of his gratefulness and fears and love - so much love - with an unbridled happiness and sense of belonging he's never felt before.
It's there for a beat and begins to wash away just as quickly as it appeared, not wanting to intrude or cause harm, but he lets out his own deep breath in the knowledge that everything's okay. That everything's perfect. ]
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If there's one thing he minds, it's that Finn pulls back almost as quickly as he reaches out, and he instantly closes that distance himself, at least to the best of his ability considering he doesn't have any unique powers nor is he Force sensitive. That he knows, anyway.
But he does open his mind, he thinks as loud as he can that he wants Finn to stay in there, to linger. Don't go, don't go, like he doesn't want Finn to hold back his feelings from him, least of all now. He wants to see and feel them all, just like he wants Finn to sense the feelings he has for him in return, how real and strong they are. ]
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A quiet sob escapes him before he quickly brings them together again, nearly like a mental hug. It's so easy to get lost in it and, for once, Finn doesn't care. He quickly, easily, happily gets lost in James, bringing all of his love with him. His love, protectiveness, fears, pain, thankfulness-
Finn's far more concerned with what James feels. If it's love, he doesn't know, but it's the same thing he feels for James in return. It's strong and warm and safe and just as overwhelming as his. A large part of him is shocked by the strength before a sudden feeling of undeserving spikes, quickly washed away by happiness again. It's like a drive to do better, to be better, and keep this close between them for as long as possible.
He basks in the soft supernova that is James, trying to be gentle, trying to show the depths of his love and trust, opening his own mind for him if he wants it. Even the parts he would rather hide, he offers James all of himself. ]
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a wrap for now, maybe?