[ Quiet isn't a problem. Quiet is really good, actually, and it's a greater comfort than Finn can possibly imagine. So he sits there too, quiet and still, holding onto Finn while being held by him in return. The light from the rising sun slowly pours in through the window, and the flat around them becomes all the clearer until eventually they have no other option but to... you know, move. Start their day, and stuff.
Jim tries his best to dispel any tension, still dragging Finn out for a morning jog, making them some simple breakfast, tidying the house together. But things feel awkward, and along with his own distant silence so too comes Finn's silence, and he can't help but see it as his fault, his own flaw. Days going by don't help, things don't really improve much over time, and more and more Jim realizes he needs to do something, say something, before it all falls apart around him, and Finn slips right between his fingers.
Any day now, he realizes; any minute, he'll get tired of this silence. It already feels like he's tired, with the way they barely speak, and even when he's holding him it doesn't feel like he's quite there anymore.
Jim was determined to sort it out on his own, but in the end it's a talk with Peter that kicks him into gear. Or at the very least helps him see that there's no point in letting things drag on like this. No other outcome can be worse than losing Finn little by little in this way.
It's a little late in the day, getting dark outside but not yet dinner time, when Finn gets to the flat, and Jim practically leaps to his feet from where he was sitting on the couch. He's... been waiting there for a while now, waiting for him, if the half-empty bottle of liquor is anything to go by. ]
[ It's been tearing Finn apart. Knowing that he can't help James, knowing that he's partly the source of the problem. He would remove himself from the situation entirely but he's too weak to let go. Besides, he promised a certain someone a long time ago that he would no longer assume he wasn't wanted. In this case, though, it feels like more than an assumption.
Things don't magically fix themselves, and Finn stops actively trying to get James to talk to him after a couple of days. He'd say something when he was ready. But as more time passed, things just felt like they were getting worse. Getting quieter, certainly. Finn got quieter, too.
But James still kept coming home and he'd never brush his touch away. Every moment felt like their last again, and Finn began to realize just how comfortable he'd become on this planet. Like he'd expected this to last forever. That's probably a result of not thinking about the inevitable.
The harder things became, the more Finn wanted a drink. He tried hard to not fall back into that spiral again, though, especially not when James may need him.
But he'd be lying if he said he didn't expect this. Something had to give eventually. Finn looked from James to the bottle and had a pretty vivid idea of where this was heading. It was going to hurt them both, he knew, and it crossed his mind to make it easier on James. Just tell him he knew, he understood, and just... leave.
At the same time, he knew that whatever James wanted to say was something that needed to be said. ]
Yeah... Okay.
[ Talk. He could do that much for him. Finn walked forward and reached out just a little, just enough to brush against his sleeve, if it was allowed. It would be a disservice to ask what this was about. ]
[ Funny that they both have been worrying about the same thing; about coming home to find the other gone, even when Jim knows Finn wouldn't just do that to him. And then he berates himself for taking Finn for granted like that, just assuming he can take as long as he wants and he'll just be there, waiting for him.
At least that fear of losing him and pushing him away drives him into doing something, stop being a fucking coward about this. He doesn't even have a good reason to be doing this, honestly. He was just so irrationally scared of how serious they were getting, but at this point it's just getting ridiculous.
And in the process, he's hurting Finn. So no, not ideal. ]
Yeah. I'm fine, yes.
[ He manages to smile at Finn, resting a hand over his, giving it a squeeze. He urges him to sit on the couch with him, shifting a little awkwardly. ]
And you? Are you... I mean, I know I've been a little— [ He pauses. ] Distant. Not the most fun thing to deal with, I'm aware.
[ Finn would wait forever for him... so long as James wanted him to. If he wanted him to just vanish, take himself and his intense emotions somewhere else, that's a different story. But Finn resolves to himself that he has to hear it before doing something like that. He has to give James the chance to say it.
And, wow, Jim's not a good liar.
Finn squeezes his hand back as they sit, biting his lip. Waiting's the hardest part, even if he wants the end to never come. Besides, he's distracted from the wait by what James says. Not fun to deal with. Really? His shoulders sag. ]
I'm fine. [ Clearly. He does grow a tiny smile, though. ] And I'm not here just because you're fun.
[ If he wasn't so sure that he was the cause of Jim's pain, he would never consider leaving. He's here. But, also, that probably wasn't the best thing to say to someone who's about to break up with you because you're too invested. Finn doesn't have much experience in all this. Maybe lightening the mood a little isn't a terrible thing, though. ]
[ Admittedly, Jim was trying to lighten the mood, but not because he was about to break up with Finn. That would've been just cruel of him, really, just like telling him he's 'fine' or holding his hand just before ending things. He thinks it's fairly obvious that he's not about to put an end to their relationship, which is why he doesn't worry even for a moment that that's what Finn's thinking is happening here. ]
I know. But still, it's been a tough week. For me, but you've had to deal with me, so— for us both.
[ He takes a slow breath, trying to split his thoughts into sections so he knows where to start. ]
And I know I haven't been very clear about it, or haven't explained very well why that whole honeymoon dream upset me so much. You know, I've told you, I've never been in a relationship like this. I've never really sought anything too serious, never really wanted to, and as my career grew and I became more focused on my work, the less I though that anything like this was... for me.
[ Tracking back a little; not gonna go down that rabbit hole there. ] Anyway, I lack— some experience, and I have always been a little afraid of commitment, admittedly. And things have been great between us, really, but I feel like we've talked seriously about it only once, at the beginning, and then it's just all been amazing, but also incredibly intense, and before we even talked about more serious stuff, suddenly we wake up and we're married. And I was robbed, I feel like I was robbed of all the talks, all the compromises, all the experiences that would lead us up to that. I was robbed of my right to tell you that—
[ He sucks in a breath, lets it out, and can almost swear his heart spills out with it. Okay. Okay, damn it, Kirk. ]
That I love you. My right to make it into something big and special because it is, for me, even if that's probably stupid. Instead I said it like I'd said it a thousand times before.
[ Which isn't to say it was any less true, or that he wouldn't have meant it a thousand times before, but it was just— there. Nothing special about it. ]
[ At first, Finn tilts his head to the side, ready to refute this whole having to deal with James notion. This isn't some sort of obligation and it sure as hell isn't a burden. But before he can say anything, James has begun to speak and Finn doesn't want to interrupt this.
He remains so sure of what's going to happen right up until James talks about being robbed of the events that they skipped before this fake marriage. The notion only manages to confuse him.
So it takes him a second while he's listening, trying to understand, before he realizes what was said. The rest- He doesn't register the rest just yet. He barely realizes that James has stopped speaking, and the words are still having some trouble getting through. Needless to say, there's a long measure of silence for a moment while he just stares back in surprise. ]
... You love me?
[ That- It's the last thing he expected. And to hear that James had been upset because the confession hadn't been special- How could it ever be anything but?
He doesn't know what to do for a long moment. Thinking about their past together, what they share now- After so long of disbelief, it doesn't feel real to hear. But he did. He just heard it.
Finn turns fully to face him, still having no idea what to do. Hell, because of everything going on, it's been days since he said it. ]
[ That long pause actually doesn't help much at all. It gives Jim more time to panic, even if realistically he knows one week of awkward silence isn't enough for Finn to stop loving him. Shouldn't be enough, at least. but maybe he really was getting ready to pull from this.
Hell, maybe he already was doing it, to some degree. ]
I do. But I've been so afraid of saying it out loud, kept putting it off just because I'm scared or because I don't feel like this was really the kind of thing I'm good at, and now—
I don't know, [ He lets out a noise, something like a strangled breath. ] Now I wonder if I've just pushed you away with this whole mess. We have barely talked in a week, you haven't told me you love me in a week, and I'm starting to think I'm losing you.
[ He rests his hands over his face a moment later, when that realization hits him and he almost starts crying. Almost. ]
[ Finally, finally, Finn realizes what's happening. What direction his next words would have gone in is anyone's guess, because everything else leaves him when he sees how badly James had been hurt. By him. By his silence and his distance.
Before he can actually think about what he's going to do, Finn's already reacting. He kneels on the couch, pushes Jim's hands away and cups his face as he pulls him into a kiss. It's deep and passionate and meant to show everything he feels right now, not one of those he attempts not to smile through.
He cannot be the reason James cries again. He cannot hurt him again.
When he pulls away, breathing hard, there's no 'almost' for Finn. He is crying. His teeth clench for a second like he's wincing, a thumb making a circle beneath Jim's eye. A strong part of him wants to try to use the Force, to put this somewhere deep in James' very soul so a piece of him will know forever. ]
I will always love you. Always. There's nothing in this universe that will ever make me stop loving you.
[ Even if he forgot everything, which... is unlikely at this stage. Still, any of those days could have been their last and they spent them in silence. In uncertainty. He'll never let that happen again. He'll make sure James always knows, even if it's scary to say.
But then he winces again, for real this time, trying to keep back a stronger wave of tears. He's been holding it back for days now, anyway. ]
[ Well, he's not about to protest being kissed, even if the move is sudden and surprising. His eyes widen as Finn pulls his hands away, but he soon returns the press of lips against his own, reaching out to grip at Finn's shirt tightly, feeling the moisture of tears but not quite processing where it's coming from until the kiss breaks and he gets a good look at Finn's face. ]
Finn...
[ Happy though he is to hear that, and he is immensely so, the sight of the tears washing down Finn's face gets a worried look from him, even if he's fairly sure they're tears of happiness. He reaches up anyway to wipe at them, though he ends up making even more of a mess than anything. ]
What? [ He lets out a short, incredulous laugh, eyebrows knitting together. ] Why would I still be here if I didn't want that?
[ He would've just left, or at the very least moved out, not come back home to Finn every single day, or shared the bed with him, even if they spent the whole week mostly in silence.
But this is when he realizes the implication of what Finn's saying, and exactly what he thought was going to happen during this conversation. That awareness is clear in the shift in his expression, hands stilling where they're cupping Finn's face. ]
[ At first, he just shook his head since he could only guess as to why James was still there. Because he was trying to make up his mind, is what Finn had thought. Because, even if the answer was obvious, it was still a difficult decision. But maybe that's giving himself too much. Maybe the decision wouldn't have been difficult at all.
It didn't even feel over yet, though. There just felt like something else coming. 'What we have is amazing but-' 'I love you, too, but-' He would have understood. But the possibility doesn't actually leave him until James stills and asks that.
Now he feels a little stupid, a lot selfish, and the need to explain appears. But how does he explain this when James seems to be surprised that Finn thought this at all? It felt so... obvious. Like, he has a list of reasons why. He tries to just break it down to the simplest form. ]
I always want too much.
[ And that's more than likely still true, but it's not the overall topic here. James loves him. How is he supposed to- It's so hard not to ask if he's sure or not. He knows this can't be any less than frustrating. ]
[ No, there are no buts, no stipulations, nothing but what he's saying, no hidden meaning behind any of his words. He loves him. What they have is amazing. That's it.
He is admittedly a little surprised that Finn would think that he was breaking things up, though maybe he shouldn't be, knowing what he does about Finn. He isn't upset about it, though. He finds it almost... funny, in a strange, stupid way. He can't quite keep back a smile at the words Finn chooses to explain it. ]
Finn... you never want too much.
[ He shifts closer, still cupping his face in his hands, stroking his cheeks. ]
You're caring, and kind, and absolutely undemanding. You've never forced me or pressured me into anything, you were never too much. Well— [ He tilts his head, then adds with a wider smile. ] Maybe in good ways, on occasion.
[ His eyes get softer the longer James talks. It's a little hard to believe (all of this is) but hearing it still warms him to his core. When James finishes, though, Finn gives a watery laugh and is actually smiling. He does tend to be a little intense sometimes... ]
I love you so much.
[ He leans forward and manages to kiss him on the cheek twice before he has James wrapped in a hug, his head tucked into his neck. ]
[ Jim isn't in the habit of lying, definitely not to the people he cares about, so Finn can definitely believe what he's telling him, whether or not it seems surreal to him. He means every word he's said so far.
Jim lets out a soft laugh when Finn kisses his cheek, once and then again, letting out a deep breath with that hug. It feels like an insurmountable weight has been lifted off of him, with something so simple as this. Something so... soft, sweet, uncomplicated.
He feels like an idiot now, he really doesn't know why he was so scared about this. ]
I'll hold you to it, [ He murmurs against Finn's shoulder, then lifts his head up just enough that Finn can hear him more clearly. ] I love you, too.
[ Finn gives another laugh, another huff of breath against Jim's skin, for hearing that again. It's so unbelievable, especially considering what he thought the world looked like not five minutes ago. A hand finds the back of James' head to hold him close, but he has no idea how to show the emotions he's got right now.
Well, one idea.
He tilts his head until his forehead is against James' temple and he reaches out. His own mental state is probably a little overwhelming right now, so he doesn't press or even attempt to invade. All he does is brush his thoughts against James' and tries to relay a little of how he feels. All of his gratefulness and fears and love - so much love - with an unbridled happiness and sense of belonging he's never felt before.
It's there for a beat and begins to wash away just as quickly as it appeared, not wanting to intrude or cause harm, but he lets out his own deep breath in the knowledge that everything's okay. That everything's perfect. ]
[ Jim feels Finn's mind reaching out to his own the instant it happens. Warm, familiar, comforting, and he lets himself relax into it without thought, sinking into those sensations without an ounce of reticence, or resistance.
If there's one thing he minds, it's that Finn pulls back almost as quickly as he reaches out, and he instantly closes that distance himself, at least to the best of his ability considering he doesn't have any unique powers nor is he Force sensitive. That he knows, anyway.
But he does open his mind, he thinks as loud as he can that he wants Finn to stay in there, to linger. Don't go, don't go, like he doesn't want Finn to hold back his feelings from him, least of all now. He wants to see and feel them all, just like he wants Finn to sense the feelings he has for him in return, how real and strong they are. ]
[ It catches his breath, that feeling of being wanted so badly, James' voice echoing back into his mind. He can feel him reaching, incapable of pulling them back together, but reaching with something close to desperation all the same. And he can feel that James doesn't want Finn to hide what he feels, overwhelming or no. James wants everything.
A quiet sob escapes him before he quickly brings them together again, nearly like a mental hug. It's so easy to get lost in it and, for once, Finn doesn't care. He quickly, easily, happily gets lost in James, bringing all of his love with him. His love, protectiveness, fears, pain, thankfulness-
Finn's far more concerned with what James feels. If it's love, he doesn't know, but it's the same thing he feels for James in return. It's strong and warm and safe and just as overwhelming as his. A large part of him is shocked by the strength before a sudden feeling of undeserving spikes, quickly washed away by happiness again. It's like a drive to do better, to be better, and keep this close between them for as long as possible.
He basks in the soft supernova that is James, trying to be gentle, trying to show the depths of his love and trust, opening his own mind for him if he wants it. Even the parts he would rather hide, he offers James all of himself. ]
[ Jim can understand all too well Finn's desire to keep some kind of control, to establish some limits. Even other times before when they've done this, emotions weren't quite so high, or quite as intense, and right now Jim can tell, even without the connection, that they're both overwhelmed with feelings. No matter how good, that's still a lot to process.
But it doesn't matter. He wants to see it all, and feel it all. Even if it threatens to drown him, he still reaches out and lets Finn's mind wash over his own, wave after wave engulfing him, so much that even his breath shortens, making him gasp and shudder.
Moving when they're like this isn't always easy, but he does it anyway, somehow manages to get his hands on Finn's face, cupping it gently. He leans closer to press their foreheads together, then kisses him on the lips, letting his own feelings for Finn, all the love, excitement, adoration and fear flow free from him and into the other man's mind. ]
[ Finn's breath trembles before the kiss comes, anticipating it without ever opening his eyes. His mind's still so tangled with James' but he still has enough control to return the kiss.
Like many things, he never thought emotions like that could be for him. If anything, it makes him more afraid. He knew that James cared, of course, but to feel all this for him... It's that feelings of responsibility again, reminding him that things like this aren't always easy. That he's not the only one he can hurt.
But Finn's also not alone either. He hadn't even realized how alone he felt before this all started to slowly build.
His hands cup either side of Jim's jaw, fingers splaying into his hair. They're close together, but it's unclear if Finn climbed into his lap or not. All he knows is how close they are, and his mind turns off on that note, just enjoying being together and feeling loved. ]
[ It's not the first time they kiss while they're linked like this, and he hopes it won't be the last. The connection between them lends an added layer of intensity to the kiss, a kind of intimacy that feels all the more engulfing and overwhelming.
It's all the more intense now, when neither of them is holding back, when all feelings are laid out in the open. Whatever the way they've gotten close, Jim doesn't care either; Finn's fingers are on his hair and he hums into the kiss, while his own hands drop to Finn's sides, moving around his waist and fisting his shirt tightly as he brings him even closer. ]
[ Finn hums when he's pulled closer, a sharp spike of pleasure then joy suddenly ringing out between them. They're here. James loves him. This is happening.
Maybe it interrupts how intense and slightly terrifying this moment is, messing up the flow of intimacy. And yet, he can't really hold it back. He smiles into the kiss just as happiness starts to overwhelm him, mixed together with the love. His hands grip at Jim's shirt, deepening the kiss as soon his smile allows, drowning in this. ]
[ Yes, it's happening, but no surprise Finn's brain is only now playing catch-up. To be fair, Jim has had considerably longer to get used to the fact that Finn loves him, so maybe that's why he's not freaking out nearly as much.
He grins vaguely into the kiss when he realizes Finn's smiling, manages to deepen the kiss for a few good seconds, only to break out into a soft kind of laughter a little while later, even as he still keeps a tight grip on Finn's shirt. ] You... did that smiling thing again.
[ When Finn pulls away for a soft laugh, his forehead is still against James. Really, he could be thousands of miles or even lightyears away and should still be able to reach James through the Force like this. But the physical contact doesn't hurt. ]
Sorry. Can't help it.
[ And he really is sorry, even if James has claimed to like it in the past. ]
[ Jim doesn't look or sound at all upset about it, to be fair. Rather the opposite, if anything. Like he's told Finn plenty of times before, he loves the way their kisses dissolve into wide smiles at times, like Finn just can't help how happy he is.
He pets both his cheeks gently, his eyes bright as he pulls away just enough to meet Finn's gaze. ]
Good, [ He says it with a smile, and a happy yet slightly shaky tone. ] I like being able to reciprocate.
[ It's pretty hard for him to believe that he makes anyone happy, especially as happy as James feels through the Force. Finn laughs in response, though, just as shaky. Maybe he can't work with the aforementioned 'forever,' but he's going to try to make James the happiest person in existence for as long as he can.
It almost seems possible, like this, right now.
A palm moves away from his face to rest over Jim's hand. ] Love you... We're going to be useless for a little while, aren't we? [ Because all he wants to do is exactly what they're doing. Sharing each other's thoughts and feelings, staying close, making out a little, crying, and talking about how much they love each other. ]
[ Forever seems kind of overwhelming right now, but then Finn always has been very intense when it comes to them, so he finds himself easily going along with it. There are too many uncertainties, but he finds that he likes thinking of it in terms of 'forever'. Practicality hardly has anything to do with it. ]
Well, I don't know about you, but you know I hate being useless, [ He lets out a soft chuckle, petting Finn's face for a moment, trying to look a little more serious when he adds. ] I mean, we should probably talk about a few things. But it's not important right now, I think it can wait.
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no subject
Jim tries his best to dispel any tension, still dragging Finn out for a morning jog, making them some simple breakfast, tidying the house together. But things feel awkward, and along with his own distant silence so too comes Finn's silence, and he can't help but see it as his fault, his own flaw. Days going by don't help, things don't really improve much over time, and more and more Jim realizes he needs to do something, say something, before it all falls apart around him, and Finn slips right between his fingers.
Any day now, he realizes; any minute, he'll get tired of this silence. It already feels like he's tired, with the way they barely speak, and even when he's holding him it doesn't feel like he's quite there anymore.
Jim was determined to sort it out on his own, but in the end it's a talk with Peter that kicks him into gear. Or at the very least helps him see that there's no point in letting things drag on like this. No other outcome can be worse than losing Finn little by little in this way.
It's a little late in the day, getting dark outside but not yet dinner time, when Finn gets to the flat, and Jim practically leaps to his feet from where he was sitting on the couch. He's... been waiting there for a while now, waiting for him, if the half-empty bottle of liquor is anything to go by. ]
Hi. We, uh... we should talk.
no subject
Things don't magically fix themselves, and Finn stops actively trying to get James to talk to him after a couple of days. He'd say something when he was ready. But as more time passed, things just felt like they were getting worse. Getting quieter, certainly. Finn got quieter, too.
But James still kept coming home and he'd never brush his touch away. Every moment felt like their last again, and Finn began to realize just how comfortable he'd become on this planet. Like he'd expected this to last forever. That's probably a result of not thinking about the inevitable.
The harder things became, the more Finn wanted a drink. He tried hard to not fall back into that spiral again, though, especially not when James may need him.
But he'd be lying if he said he didn't expect this. Something had to give eventually. Finn looked from James to the bottle and had a pretty vivid idea of where this was heading. It was going to hurt them both, he knew, and it crossed his mind to make it easier on James. Just tell him he knew, he understood, and just... leave.
At the same time, he knew that whatever James wanted to say was something that needed to be said. ]
Yeah... Okay.
[ Talk. He could do that much for him. Finn walked forward and reached out just a little, just enough to brush against his sleeve, if it was allowed. It would be a disservice to ask what this was about. ]
Are you all right?
no subject
At least that fear of losing him and pushing him away drives him into doing something, stop being a fucking coward about this. He doesn't even have a good reason to be doing this, honestly. He was just so irrationally scared of how serious they were getting, but at this point it's just getting ridiculous.
And in the process, he's hurting Finn. So no, not ideal. ]
Yeah. I'm fine, yes.
[ He manages to smile at Finn, resting a hand over his, giving it a squeeze. He urges him to sit on the couch with him, shifting a little awkwardly. ]
And you? Are you... I mean, I know I've been a little— [ He pauses. ] Distant. Not the most fun thing to deal with, I'm aware.
no subject
And, wow, Jim's not a good liar.
Finn squeezes his hand back as they sit, biting his lip. Waiting's the hardest part, even if he wants the end to never come. Besides, he's distracted from the wait by what James says. Not fun to deal with. Really? His shoulders sag. ]
I'm fine. [ Clearly. He does grow a tiny smile, though. ] And I'm not here just because you're fun.
[ If he wasn't so sure that he was the cause of Jim's pain, he would never consider leaving. He's here. But, also, that probably wasn't the best thing to say to someone who's about to break up with you because you're too invested. Finn doesn't have much experience in all this. Maybe lightening the mood a little isn't a terrible thing, though. ]
no subject
I know. But still, it's been a tough week. For me, but you've had to deal with me, so— for us both.
[ He takes a slow breath, trying to split his thoughts into sections so he knows where to start. ]
And I know I haven't been very clear about it, or haven't explained very well why that whole honeymoon dream upset me so much. You know, I've told you, I've never been in a relationship like this. I've never really sought anything too serious, never really wanted to, and as my career grew and I became more focused on my work, the less I though that anything like this was... for me.
[ Tracking back a little; not gonna go down that rabbit hole there. ] Anyway, I lack— some experience, and I have always been a little afraid of commitment, admittedly. And things have been great between us, really, but I feel like we've talked seriously about it only once, at the beginning, and then it's just all been amazing, but also incredibly intense, and before we even talked about more serious stuff, suddenly we wake up and we're married. And I was robbed, I feel like I was robbed of all the talks, all the compromises, all the experiences that would lead us up to that. I was robbed of my right to tell you that—
[ He sucks in a breath, lets it out, and can almost swear his heart spills out with it. Okay. Okay, damn it, Kirk. ]
That I love you. My right to make it into something big and special because it is, for me, even if that's probably stupid. Instead I said it like I'd said it a thousand times before.
[ Which isn't to say it was any less true, or that he wouldn't have meant it a thousand times before, but it was just— there. Nothing special about it. ]
no subject
He remains so sure of what's going to happen right up until James talks about being robbed of the events that they skipped before this fake marriage. The notion only manages to confuse him.
So it takes him a second while he's listening, trying to understand, before he realizes what was said. The rest- He doesn't register the rest just yet. He barely realizes that James has stopped speaking, and the words are still having some trouble getting through. Needless to say, there's a long measure of silence for a moment while he just stares back in surprise. ]
... You love me?
[ That- It's the last thing he expected. And to hear that James had been upset because the confession hadn't been special- How could it ever be anything but?
He doesn't know what to do for a long moment. Thinking about their past together, what they share now- After so long of disbelief, it doesn't feel real to hear. But he did. He just heard it.
Finn turns fully to face him, still having no idea what to do. Hell, because of everything going on, it's been days since he said it. ]
no subject
Hell, maybe he already was doing it, to some degree. ]
I do. But I've been so afraid of saying it out loud, kept putting it off just because I'm scared or because I don't feel like this was really the kind of thing I'm good at, and now—
I don't know, [ He lets out a noise, something like a strangled breath. ] Now I wonder if I've just pushed you away with this whole mess. We have barely talked in a week, you haven't told me you love me in a week, and I'm starting to think I'm losing you.
[ He rests his hands over his face a moment later, when that realization hits him and he almost starts crying. Almost. ]
no subject
Before he can actually think about what he's going to do, Finn's already reacting. He kneels on the couch, pushes Jim's hands away and cups his face as he pulls him into a kiss. It's deep and passionate and meant to show everything he feels right now, not one of those he attempts not to smile through.
He cannot be the reason James cries again. He cannot hurt him again.
When he pulls away, breathing hard, there's no 'almost' for Finn. He is crying. His teeth clench for a second like he's wincing, a thumb making a circle beneath Jim's eye. A strong part of him wants to try to use the Force, to put this somewhere deep in James' very soul so a piece of him will know forever. ]
I will always love you. Always. There's nothing in this universe that will ever make me stop loving you.
[ Even if he forgot everything, which... is unlikely at this stage. Still, any of those days could have been their last and they spent them in silence. In uncertainty. He'll never let that happen again. He'll make sure James always knows, even if it's scary to say.
But then he winces again, for real this time, trying to keep back a stronger wave of tears. He's been holding it back for days now, anyway. ]
I- I thought you didn't want that anymore.
no subject
Finn...
[ Happy though he is to hear that, and he is immensely so, the sight of the tears washing down Finn's face gets a worried look from him, even if he's fairly sure they're tears of happiness. He reaches up anyway to wipe at them, though he ends up making even more of a mess than anything. ]
What? [ He lets out a short, incredulous laugh, eyebrows knitting together. ] Why would I still be here if I didn't want that?
[ He would've just left, or at the very least moved out, not come back home to Finn every single day, or shared the bed with him, even if they spent the whole week mostly in silence.
But this is when he realizes the implication of what Finn's saying, and exactly what he thought was going to happen during this conversation. That awareness is clear in the shift in his expression, hands stilling where they're cupping Finn's face. ]
You thought I was breaking up with you?
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It didn't even feel over yet, though. There just felt like something else coming. 'What we have is amazing but-' 'I love you, too, but-' He would have understood. But the possibility doesn't actually leave him until James stills and asks that.
Now he feels a little stupid, a lot selfish, and the need to explain appears. But how does he explain this when James seems to be surprised that Finn thought this at all? It felt so... obvious. Like, he has a list of reasons why. He tries to just break it down to the simplest form. ]
I always want too much.
[ And that's more than likely still true, but it's not the overall topic here. James loves him. How is he supposed to- It's so hard not to ask if he's sure or not. He knows this can't be any less than frustrating. ]
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He is admittedly a little surprised that Finn would think that he was breaking things up, though maybe he shouldn't be, knowing what he does about Finn. He isn't upset about it, though. He finds it almost... funny, in a strange, stupid way. He can't quite keep back a smile at the words Finn chooses to explain it. ]
Finn... you never want too much.
[ He shifts closer, still cupping his face in his hands, stroking his cheeks. ]
You're caring, and kind, and absolutely undemanding. You've never forced me or pressured me into anything, you were never too much. Well— [ He tilts his head, then adds with a wider smile. ] Maybe in good ways, on occasion.
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I love you so much.
[ He leans forward and manages to kiss him on the cheek twice before he has James wrapped in a hug, his head tucked into his neck. ]
I'll tell you every day, I promise.
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Jim lets out a soft laugh when Finn kisses his cheek, once and then again, letting out a deep breath with that hug. It feels like an insurmountable weight has been lifted off of him, with something so simple as this. Something so... soft, sweet, uncomplicated.
He feels like an idiot now, he really doesn't know why he was so scared about this. ]
I'll hold you to it, [ He murmurs against Finn's shoulder, then lifts his head up just enough that Finn can hear him more clearly. ] I love you, too.
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Well, one idea.
He tilts his head until his forehead is against James' temple and he reaches out. His own mental state is probably a little overwhelming right now, so he doesn't press or even attempt to invade. All he does is brush his thoughts against James' and tries to relay a little of how he feels. All of his gratefulness and fears and love - so much love - with an unbridled happiness and sense of belonging he's never felt before.
It's there for a beat and begins to wash away just as quickly as it appeared, not wanting to intrude or cause harm, but he lets out his own deep breath in the knowledge that everything's okay. That everything's perfect. ]
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If there's one thing he minds, it's that Finn pulls back almost as quickly as he reaches out, and he instantly closes that distance himself, at least to the best of his ability considering he doesn't have any unique powers nor is he Force sensitive. That he knows, anyway.
But he does open his mind, he thinks as loud as he can that he wants Finn to stay in there, to linger. Don't go, don't go, like he doesn't want Finn to hold back his feelings from him, least of all now. He wants to see and feel them all, just like he wants Finn to sense the feelings he has for him in return, how real and strong they are. ]
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A quiet sob escapes him before he quickly brings them together again, nearly like a mental hug. It's so easy to get lost in it and, for once, Finn doesn't care. He quickly, easily, happily gets lost in James, bringing all of his love with him. His love, protectiveness, fears, pain, thankfulness-
Finn's far more concerned with what James feels. If it's love, he doesn't know, but it's the same thing he feels for James in return. It's strong and warm and safe and just as overwhelming as his. A large part of him is shocked by the strength before a sudden feeling of undeserving spikes, quickly washed away by happiness again. It's like a drive to do better, to be better, and keep this close between them for as long as possible.
He basks in the soft supernova that is James, trying to be gentle, trying to show the depths of his love and trust, opening his own mind for him if he wants it. Even the parts he would rather hide, he offers James all of himself. ]
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But it doesn't matter. He wants to see it all, and feel it all. Even if it threatens to drown him, he still reaches out and lets Finn's mind wash over his own, wave after wave engulfing him, so much that even his breath shortens, making him gasp and shudder.
Moving when they're like this isn't always easy, but he does it anyway, somehow manages to get his hands on Finn's face, cupping it gently. He leans closer to press their foreheads together, then kisses him on the lips, letting his own feelings for Finn, all the love, excitement, adoration and fear flow free from him and into the other man's mind. ]
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Like many things, he never thought emotions like that could be for him. If anything, it makes him more afraid. He knew that James cared, of course, but to feel all this for him... It's that feelings of responsibility again, reminding him that things like this aren't always easy. That he's not the only one he can hurt.
But Finn's also not alone either. He hadn't even realized how alone he felt before this all started to slowly build.
His hands cup either side of Jim's jaw, fingers splaying into his hair. They're close together, but it's unclear if Finn climbed into his lap or not. All he knows is how close they are, and his mind turns off on that note, just enjoying being together and feeling loved. ]
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It's all the more intense now, when neither of them is holding back, when all feelings are laid out in the open. Whatever the way they've gotten close, Jim doesn't care either; Finn's fingers are on his hair and he hums into the kiss, while his own hands drop to Finn's sides, moving around his waist and fisting his shirt tightly as he brings him even closer. ]
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Maybe it interrupts how intense and slightly terrifying this moment is, messing up the flow of intimacy. And yet, he can't really hold it back. He smiles into the kiss just as happiness starts to overwhelm him, mixed together with the love. His hands grip at Jim's shirt, deepening the kiss as soon his smile allows, drowning in this. ]
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He grins vaguely into the kiss when he realizes Finn's smiling, manages to deepen the kiss for a few good seconds, only to break out into a soft kind of laughter a little while later, even as he still keeps a tight grip on Finn's shirt. ] You... did that smiling thing again.
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Sorry. Can't help it.
[ And he really is sorry, even if James has claimed to like it in the past. ]
You just make me so happy.
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He pets both his cheeks gently, his eyes bright as he pulls away just enough to meet Finn's gaze. ]
Good, [ He says it with a smile, and a happy yet slightly shaky tone. ] I like being able to reciprocate.
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It almost seems possible, like this, right now.
A palm moves away from his face to rest over Jim's hand. ] Love you... We're going to be useless for a little while, aren't we? [ Because all he wants to do is exactly what they're doing. Sharing each other's thoughts and feelings, staying close, making out a little, crying, and talking about how much they love each other. ]
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Well, I don't know about you, but you know I hate being useless, [ He lets out a soft chuckle, petting Finn's face for a moment, trying to look a little more serious when he adds. ] I mean, we should probably talk about a few things. But it's not important right now, I think it can wait.
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a wrap for now, maybe?