[god, is it that obvious? probably. he's terrible at hiding his feelings. he's surprised finn offers, though, and it's clear in his expression for a split second.]
What do you do when that happens? Someone I care about is going to die and nothing anyone can do could help them.
[ Finn blinks down to the floor and wonders if he's the best person for this. He doesn't deal with things the way most people do. The difference in his childhood and all.
But he was asked what he does, so there's a response after his quiet pause. ]
Survive. Do anything that keeps me moving forward or whatever I can to not have regrets. Be there for them while their here and keep moving when they're gone.
[ Be there for them, Finn says, the irony thick in his throat. But he plays off the glance away as a small shrug. ] You can still help in other ways.
[archie's quiet as finn speaks. he's right, of course. he has such a habit of wallowing in his own misery and guilt. he looks down at his hands and knows it's selfish to ask what if... they mean more to you than you do to them? he pushes the thoughts away and sighs, padding over to sit on the couch. gestures finn to join him.]
You know they'll-- probably just be back. Right back out the porter in a couple days. That's what happens. Can't even fucking focus on anything before it's over.
[ Finn frowns and moves to sit next to him. ]That's the best thing about this place, isn't it? That there's a chance death won't be the end?
[ He asks it like an honest question because some people really hate everything the porter gives. He doesn't really understand the sentiment. ] That... makes it a little better... I'm sorry.
[it's probably his exhaustion, maybe because how finn is his friend he's currently asking for advice, whatever. archie sighs and leans over until his head is basically resting on finn's shoulder.]
I don't know if it's good. It's not... great, going through that and coming back. I don't want them to stay gone, but... I don't know.
[he shakes his head.]
It's alright. [it's not, but whatever. he looks up a finn with a weak little smile.] Thanks.
[ Finn deflates against Archie's weight and wraps his arm over his shoulders. He's not too surprised about the contact given how tired Archie must be. ] I wish I could say for sure it's better than the alternative. [ He quietly offers, mind far away.
It has to be better. He'd give anything for something similar back home despite the wrong kind of people benefitting from it. But even though he's been close to death, thought he was dead, he didn't really know what it was like. Who was Finn to say coming back really was a good thing?
So he just offers a weak, fleeting smile back. ] You're welcome, though.
[archie doesn't think twice about settling in. it's nice to have someone that understands how you're feeling in the moment, even if what you're feeling isn't even that hard to understand. just not being alone.]
Something like that is definitely down to personal interpretation. [archie personally doesn't like it-- he's been through it himself after a death and knows many other imports who have. he doesn't want them to stay down, of course, but it seems like a special kind of cruelty to have them come back here, of all places.
he sighs again, watching mightyena get comfortable.] Is this what fighting a war is like?
[he almost doesn't want to ask it, but... the bone-deep feeling of being able to do nothing to help anyone, to just keep pounding away at problems far too big for you to even conceive without even making a scratch... it feels like it. even if they're not actively in one.]
[ Finn's quiet for a long moment, like he just decided to not respond at all. His mind is far away, though. Rose in a coma because of him. The First Order discovering the escape plan because of him. Slip dying because of him- ]
No... War's worse. [ Sometimes, in war, it's your fault. He opts to not say that. ] Doesn't mean this isn't bad.
[he falls silent again, thinking on that. he had no expectation of an answer there-- he wishes he could understand it for his friends, but he never will it seems. at least finn doesn't seem too offended.]
Alright. Sorry. [for asking. for not understanding.] This really is a special kind of fucked up, huh?
[ He frowned a little, confused. ] No... All I know about your home are the pokémon. [ And he was of the assumption it was just another term for their fauna. ] I'd like to hear more, though.
[he moves off finn before he recalls the sordid tale. figures hugging isn't the way to go for it.]
I did something stupid. I fucked with powers I didn't understand for my own ends, and almost ended the world as a result. It was stopped before real damage happened but...
[he frowns, looking away.]
I don't know. I guess it's just weird being able to do so much at home but shit all here no matter how hard I try.
[ His own ends? Finn glanced away, taking the story in. ]
But you didn't mean to do it, and everything was stopped before it could happen. That's... different. That means something. [ Finn's done worse with powers he did understand.
While he knows not to ask questions he doesn't want the answer to, he can't help this one. ] What were you trying to do?
I did. I did mean to do it, just-- when it happened, I couldn't handle it. I thought I could take the sacrifices it would make, but couldn't when other people started getting hurt.
[he sighs. this is even more uncomfortable now he knows about the empire.]
Make a better world for those I thought deserved it. Wipe away all the old stuff I thought was wrong.
It's so difficult to imagine Archie like one of them. He's too... rough. Too kind. It makes no sense that he would think such a thing.
But he had and he tried. And didn't finish it. Finn looks back to him now, blank and evaluating. A large part of him wants to leave and think about this revelation, but there isn't really much to think about. Archie is exhausted and vulnerable, being honest in this moment about his regrets. And, in the end, he'd done the right thing.
He lets the silence for another moment, thinking carefully about his response. ]
I helped kill innocent people. The only friend I had in the First Order is dead because of me. And those are only the deaths that I intended to cause... It's what we do after that changes how we are, I think. Survival. We have to learn how to live with ourselves, somehow.
You did the right thing in the end. I'm not going to hold it over you.
[he's quiet for a moment as he works that over. it ends with him taking finn's hand again, a gesture he so often uses for comfort. one that brings himself comfort as well. it's a light touch, clearly so if finn wants to pull away it won't be hard for him to do so.]
I had no idea. I'm so sorry, Finn. [that doesn't change anything, but it makes his answer about the porter earlier makes sense. finn should have his friend back, shouldn't he? archie glances over at him.] I hope you hold yourself to that as well.
[if finn's hand is still there, archie gives it a squeeze as he looks over, head still resting on the back of the couch.]
[ Finn doesn't pull away from Archie's grip, though he didn't tell him to get condolences for it. People shouldn't be sorry for him, but... he just doesn't mention it.
He does give another weak smile, squeezing Archie's hand back as he sinks into the couch, too. A part of him is shocked he's still allowed to sit there. He hums in thanks. ]
It hurts, but... don't give up with your friend. There are other ways we can help.
[he glances away a little at the smile-- he can tell he said something wrong or... not quite right, but doesn't know what it was. surely he should know better by now?]
...You don't think chugging energy drinks would help get over this, huh? [he asks lightly.]
Especially ones like healing... but that's what the Squad's for.
[ Speaking of, he wonders if using more people to heal Archie's friend would help at all. Ganging up on the matter and having more stamina between them all.
If Finn actually thought it could work, he'd probably mention it. ]
Figures this fucking happens right after you did all that hard work, [he says with a grumble. he's so fucking tired and it's not just the stamina drain.] I wish this could've been better...
I hope this isn't discouraging you. I have a habit of smearing my misery on everyone around me.
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What do you do when that happens? Someone I care about is going to die and nothing anyone can do could help them.
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But he was asked what he does, so there's a response after his quiet pause. ]
Survive. Do anything that keeps me moving forward or whatever I can to not have regrets. Be there for them while their here and keep moving when they're gone.
[ Be there for them, Finn says, the irony thick in his throat. But he plays off the glance away as a small shrug. ] You can still help in other ways.
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You know they'll-- probably just be back. Right back out the porter in a couple days. That's what happens. Can't even fucking focus on anything before it's over.
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[ He asks it like an honest question because some people really hate everything the porter gives. He doesn't really understand the sentiment. ] That... makes it a little better... I'm sorry.
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I don't know if it's good. It's not... great, going through that and coming back. I don't want them to stay gone, but... I don't know.
[he shakes his head.]
It's alright. [it's not, but whatever. he looks up a finn with a weak little smile.] Thanks.
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It has to be better. He'd give anything for something similar back home despite the wrong kind of people benefitting from it. But even though he's been close to death, thought he was dead, he didn't really know what it was like. Who was Finn to say coming back really was a good thing?
So he just offers a weak, fleeting smile back. ] You're welcome, though.
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Something like that is definitely down to personal interpretation. [archie personally doesn't like it-- he's been through it himself after a death and knows many other imports who have. he doesn't want them to stay down, of course, but it seems like a special kind of cruelty to have them come back here, of all places.
he sighs again, watching mightyena get comfortable.] Is this what fighting a war is like?
[he almost doesn't want to ask it, but... the bone-deep feeling of being able to do nothing to help anyone, to just keep pounding away at problems far too big for you to even conceive without even making a scratch... it feels like it. even if they're not actively in one.]
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No... War's worse. [ Sometimes, in war, it's your fault. He opts to not say that. ] Doesn't mean this isn't bad.
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Alright. Sorry. [for asking. for not understanding.] This really is a special kind of fucked up, huh?
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[ But it's pointless to go around and around. He just sighs and gives a little chuckle at how sad this is. ] Yeah. Maybe a little.
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Hey... did I ever tell you what I did back home? I've been thinking about it a lot since this happened, and... I think it makes what you said right.
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I did something stupid. I fucked with powers I didn't understand for my own ends, and almost ended the world as a result. It was stopped before real damage happened but...
[he frowns, looking away.]
I don't know. I guess it's just weird being able to do so much at home but shit all here no matter how hard I try.
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But you didn't mean to do it, and everything was stopped before it could happen. That's... different. That means something. [ Finn's done worse with powers he did understand.
While he knows not to ask questions he doesn't want the answer to, he can't help this one. ] What were you trying to do?
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[he sighs. this is even more uncomfortable now he knows about the empire.]
Make a better world for those I thought deserved it. Wipe away all the old stuff I thought was wrong.
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It's so difficult to imagine Archie like one of them. He's too... rough. Too kind. It makes no sense that he would think such a thing.
But he had and he tried. And didn't finish it. Finn looks back to him now, blank and evaluating. A large part of him wants to leave and think about this revelation, but there isn't really much to think about. Archie is exhausted and vulnerable, being honest in this moment about his regrets. And, in the end, he'd done the right thing.
He lets the silence for another moment, thinking carefully about his response. ]
I helped kill innocent people. The only friend I had in the First Order is dead because of me. And those are only the deaths that I intended to cause... It's what we do after that changes how we are, I think. Survival. We have to learn how to live with ourselves, somehow.
You did the right thing in the end. I'm not going to hold it over you.
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I had no idea. I'm so sorry, Finn. [that doesn't change anything, but it makes his answer about the porter earlier makes sense. finn should have his friend back, shouldn't he? archie glances over at him.] I hope you hold yourself to that as well.
[if finn's hand is still there, archie gives it a squeeze as he looks over, head still resting on the back of the couch.]
The feeling's mutual, by the way.
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He does give another weak smile, squeezing Archie's hand back as he sinks into the couch, too. A part of him is shocked he's still allowed to sit there. He hums in thanks. ]
It hurts, but... don't give up with your friend. There are other ways we can help.
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...You don't think chugging energy drinks would help get over this, huh? [he asks lightly.]
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I tried an energy drink once. I don't recommend it if you already feel bad.
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You're probably right. [he leans back again, flexing his hands a little.] ...It's kind of scary that even the powers are pretty fallible.
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[ Speaking of, he wonders if using more people to heal Archie's friend would help at all. Ganging up on the matter and having more stamina between them all.
If Finn actually thought it could work, he'd probably mention it. ]
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I hope this isn't discouraging you. I have a habit of smearing my misery on everyone around me.
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We're a team now, right? If you come across something like that again, call one of us. You know I'll be there. You don't have to do it yourself.
[ Pot, meet kettle. ]
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