... I can't feel anything... [ And his voice comes across as frustrated and pained all at once when he admits it.
But he's going to take a deep breath and deal. ]
I don't know how it'll happen, not yet, but we will get out of here. All four of us have been in situations like this before. We can do this. We'll figure it out. [ Going to stop babbling now, thanks. ]
[ Shouldn't be surprised that's the part McCoy latches on to. Finn really doesn't want to admit to any pain right now, though, not wanting to come off like he's whining and doesn't deserve exactly what he's getting right now.
But not admitting to it will just get him in more trouble and it's not right anyway so-- ]
My head... It's killing me. Being cut off, I didn't realize how much I was- It's like I'm blind now, really blind, more than just my eyes. But- But yeah. My- My head doesn't like it.
[ Nor does it like sound or light or stress or the amount of crying he's probably going to do over the next hour. Losing the Force alone is more than just a physical toll...
And yet- ] I'm fine, though. It's not that bad. [ He wants to crawl away and die. ]
( He entertains a brief fantasy involving not violence, no, but medical discharges and a beam down direct into the psych wing of Starfleet Medical. )
What you have no right to do is sit there complaining about how you have no right to complain about it. All that leads to is you not telling anyone you need help until it's too late, and this all happens again.
You have to start deciding that you are worth looking after, Finn. Not for me, not for Jim, but for yourself.
[ Despite how bad he feels, Finn has to blink several times after that first sentence before giving up on parsing it and catching up to the rest of the conversation. But even then... he's still left blinking.
Wha- What? ]
Ah- After what I did? No! [ His reply sounds so confused. Like what the hell are you talking about, man? You can't change facts! ]
We put the whole team in jeopardy, I upset everyone here I care most about, I let James down again, and now people might get hurt because of this- I- What was I even thinking!? That could have been anyone up there! It could have been Palpatine, for all I knew! Hundreds died the last time I messed up this badly, but I never learn how- Ahh--
[ Sorry, something behind one of his eyes decided it was time to shut up and be in pain instead.
( The shift of gears is immediate, once he groks the pain behind Finn's groan. His tone isn't gentle, but neither is it sharp, just firm and steady and low, something that isn't panic or pain or cold fetters on his wrists: )
In and out, with me. ( breaths, he means, the slow and sedate rise and fall, rhythmic as any meditative practice, ) You're supposed to be better at this than I am, c'mon.
[ Finn, not really sure that panic is the problem, breathes with McCoy anyway. It helps after a few rounds, the pain in his head easing into something he can work with again and a bit of the trembling he didn't notice finally fading.
Okay, yeah, he- He needed that.
Still does, which is why he doesn't lift his head from where it rests on his knees, legs pulled to his chest, just... trying to stay right here and now. But with the Force gone, nothing feels real anymore...
He breathes a laugh, voice calmer, quieter. ] I'm not better than you are...
[ Yeah, he knows they're talking about the evened breaths and meditation and all that. Point still stands. Either way, he keeps working on that breathing thing and feels a little more human on each pull. ]
You know what I mean, ( he tuts lightly. Hearing Finn calm puts McCoy more at ease– frustrated as he's felt, Finn shouldn't have to suffer. )
Finn. If you can't hear anyone else, now's as good a time as any to listen to yourself, ( he continues, his voice a steady, sonorous drawl, like a warm ocean current. )
Now, I don't mean just your immediate thoughts, or the pain you might be feeling. What about the rest of you?
[ Finn should have to suffer. Otherwise, what's the point of going through all this, anyway?
But, uh, well... McCoy has a point. Finn hasn't tried meditating at all. Everything's so silent, it's distracting, maddening. So much so, that for just a second, he considers brushing this off with another false reassurance that he's absolutely fine.
Thankfully, he doesn't. Takes another beat to just breathe instead. ]
It's quiet... When I was learning to meditate, I learned how to do it with the Force. With it gone, it just... feels like there's nothing there anymore. Just a- a void.
[ Like one of those... crushing kinds of voids. But he shakes his head and tells himself to get over it. ]
It'll just take time to get used to, that's all.
[ The rest of him either feels like nothing or feels like hell, pretty much. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
But he's going to take a deep breath and deal. ]
I don't know how it'll happen, not yet, but we will get out of here. All four of us have been in situations like this before. We can do this. We'll figure it out. [ Going to stop babbling now, thanks. ]
no subject
You can't feel anything. Is that all?
no subject
But not admitting to it will just get him in more trouble and it's not right anyway so-- ]
My head... It's killing me. Being cut off, I didn't realize how much I was- It's like I'm blind now, really blind, more than just my eyes. But- But yeah. My- My head doesn't like it.
[ Nor does it like sound or light or stress or the amount of crying he's probably going to do over the next hour. Losing the Force alone is more than just a physical toll...
And yet- ] I'm fine, though. It's not that bad. [ He wants to crawl away and die. ]
no subject
( So flat, so dry. )
...you and Daisy, I swear to God.
no subject
Considering how I got to be this way and what everyone else is dealing with because of it, I have no right to sit here and complain about it.
[ By "everyone else," he means- Well-...
Anyway, it's incredible that he actually got snippy. Just let him self-flagellate and be miserable. He deserves this, apparently. ]
no subject
What you have no right to do is sit there complaining about how you have no right to complain about it. All that leads to is you not telling anyone you need help until it's too late, and this all happens again.
You have to start deciding that you are worth looking after, Finn. Not for me, not for Jim, but for yourself.
Now, tell me you're worth it.
no subject
Wha- What? ]
Ah- After what I did? No! [ His reply sounds so confused. Like what the hell are you talking about, man? You can't change facts! ]
We put the whole team in jeopardy, I upset everyone here I care most about, I let James down again, and now people might get hurt because of this- I- What was I even thinking!? That could have been anyone up there! It could have been Palpatine, for all I knew! Hundreds died the last time I messed up this badly, but I never learn how- Ahh--
[ Sorry, something behind one of his eyes decided it was time to shut up and be in pain instead.
Then, a soft but muffled: ] Fuck--
no subject
( The shift of gears is immediate, once he groks the pain behind Finn's groan. His tone isn't gentle, but neither is it sharp, just firm and steady and low, something that isn't panic or pain or cold fetters on his wrists: )
In and out, with me. ( breaths, he means, the slow and sedate rise and fall, rhythmic as any meditative practice, ) You're supposed to be better at this than I am, c'mon.
no subject
Okay, yeah, he- He needed that.
Still does, which is why he doesn't lift his head from where it rests on his knees, legs pulled to his chest, just... trying to stay right here and now. But with the Force gone, nothing feels real anymore...
He breathes a laugh, voice calmer, quieter. ] I'm not better than you are...
[ Yeah, he knows they're talking about the evened breaths and meditation and all that. Point still stands. Either way, he keeps working on that breathing thing and feels a little more human on each pull. ]
Thank you...
no subject
Finn. If you can't hear anyone else, now's as good a time as any to listen to yourself, ( he continues, his voice a steady, sonorous drawl, like a warm ocean current. )
Now, I don't mean just your immediate thoughts, or the pain you might be feeling. What about the rest of you?
no subject
But, uh, well... McCoy has a point. Finn hasn't tried meditating at all. Everything's so silent, it's distracting, maddening. So much so, that for just a second, he considers brushing this off with another false reassurance that he's absolutely fine.
Thankfully, he doesn't. Takes another beat to just breathe instead. ]
It's quiet... When I was learning to meditate, I learned how to do it with the Force. With it gone, it just... feels like there's nothing there anymore. Just a- a void.
[ Like one of those... crushing kinds of voids. But he shakes his head and tells himself to get over it. ]
It'll just take time to get used to, that's all.
[ The rest of him either feels like nothing or feels like hell, pretty much. ]